Here I go again, another week of staying up too late and being tired all day. I'm starting off right.
I want to have a better week. I'm not sick anymore, so that makes it better already. That should help. If only I could get some reasonable sleep now. I slept too late though, napped a tad during football (it's practically tradition), and drank too much caffiene this evening. It doesn't look good. All the sleep may help me tomorrow though. It's almost like a sleep bank, and all the extra I got today will make up for what I don't get tonight. That's what I'm hoping for anyway.
I have a lot to do. I have yet to finish one of my lists. I feel pretty down on myself about it, much like when I don't exercise. Or exactly like that. I feel more and more down on myself. About so much. It has immobilized me, and I wonder how I do anything at all anymore. I am broken in so many ways.
I want to make my kids' lives better, and to do that, I know I have to improve personally. The things I don't like about myself affect them. I need to continue my personal work. It will make me a better person and a better mother.
So I'll make another list. I really want to get the house clean and decorate for Christmas. It's important to the kids, and I like it too. Getting cards and gifts out is also important. I want the people in my life to know they are truly important to me. So all of these things need to be my list priorities. Laundry is still not done or even dented, so that is important too. I'm going to try to plan my day somewhat, so I can get things off on the right foot from the start. I find the lists comforting, and the more specific the better. It's kind of like being told what to do, and I do much better that way, despite my self-destructive, rebellious nature. I need a couple sublists too, I think, to keep me on track with those general "clean kitchen" and such.
I'm ready to work on it all now, and I'm really tempted, because I know I'm going to be tired tomorrow. I don't even want to look at the clock now. I'm not tired at all. Maybe just do the things I can do here, which seems to amount to making a Christmas list. OK. Another list. I can obviously handle those.
4:49 a.m.
This sucks. I am way too awake for this time. I'm feeling very slightly tired now, which is more than I was. I felt more sleepy at noon and at 4 pm than I do now though. I'm debating going to sleep at all now. Maybe I should just wait and take a short nap in the morning and afternoon. I wonder it if would be so bad for me to sleep during the day on a regular basis. It just seems so wrong, even though I know it would be so much better for me.
I should have done some laundry.
12:42 p.m. - Assigned Time
I'm doing quite well if I do say so myself. I'm moving right along on my list, even past writing on laundry and ate lunch too. All this on an hour and a half sleep. Woo! I didn't go to the gym though. I don't plan on it either. I consider myself lucky I'm awake. I can hardly keep a thought together to write this much. It hasn't been without several vacant stares. IT's a good thing I have those lists, or I'm sure I'd be sleeping now and most of the morning.
The shower is calling my name. Too bad there's laundry going this very minute. As in water filling. I never like to chance it in between either. I always end up getting cooked.
I think I may apply for the next Biggest Loser show. I already filled out the app. I have to make a video too though, and that may prevent me. I hate taping myself. Probably not so smart when applying for a TV show. I worry about the kids and what people will think (as always). I'm not really positive I want to do it, and I think I need to be positive to even apply. Maybe after a shower. Maybe after a good night's sleep.
5:55 p.m. - Still Kickin' (and Cleanin')
I came pretty close to falling alseep, but it was time to pick up Hammy, so I couldn't. I got some coffee, which I probably didn't need and continued on with the list. I've done five after this writing. All laundry, but laundry is time-consuming, so that's rather a surprise.
I haven't even gotten the dining room table clean after all this time. Probably next shift. I should be able to finish dishes and clean the sink then too. I haven't gotten as far as I thought I would on those. I've done so much today though that I'm OK with it. I'm very happy with myself, I must say. That's also quite an accomplishment.
I weighed myself today. I haven't done it for about three weeks. It was no surprise to me I high a new all-time high. 218.5. At least it wasn't 220, but it could easily get there if I keep going the way I am. It won't stop there either. So I decided I'm going towork on a tape for the show tomorrow. It's not like doing it will get me in, but I'm going to try. I think it's just what I need, a jump start.
8:12 p.m. - Unabandoned Selfishness
I cannot be in a bad mood. Well, I can be, but there will be zero understanding on the part of my husband. It's not like I didn't have a legitimate beef anyway. Clothes he washed, dried, and stacked in a pile are still in a heap in the laundry room where he left them. They've been there over a month now, three work shirts amongst it while he bothers me about needing them. And he wonders why I don't thank him for "helping."
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One Year Ago Today:
