During the week, I could sleep until at least 10:00 every day. On the weekends, I always wake up before nine. Sometimes I'll stay in bed longer and doze until John wakes up, usually if the kids are still sleeping. I also can't seem to motivate myself to do much of anything until soon before Hammy gets home each weekeday. Then I'm good for the rest of the day. I'm unproductive when left home alone on weekends too.
When Booie was still home, I had to spend all day with her and then Hammy too when he got home, all I wanted was time to myself. It was such a precious commodity. Even when I did get it though, I usually loafed. Then it was something I wasn't able to do. I never had enough peace. But there were tinges of loneliness even then.
I've known I'm a social person, but it's only in the past couple weeks I've realized how much. It's possibly dependence. I do believe it's exacerbatted by my lack of friends and John's neglect. Even so, I feel I have to learn to self-motivate when my self is all I have. Maybe this realization will help. I also think making some friends I can contact and see during the day would help too. John always said I needed friends. His reasoning was wrong, but I think the statement is right. I'm lonely in with him.
It is so hard to make friends though. I just don't know how in many ways. I'm afraid to expose myself too. To rejection. To my embarassment. My beliefs. I feel very strange amongst the people I believe are potential friends. And I feel young. I have one of the oldest kids, but I'm one of the youngest parents. Everyone seems so much more together than me. They have college funds for their kids and still take fancy vacations. They have clean houses and nice yards. They don't mope around the house all day long. And they have friends. Even if I got past the fears, I still have to be liked. It's the common parts of people's lives that enable a bond. Who is messed up enough to find similarities with me?
I know I'm not a complete freak of nature. I'll have to focus on those things where I do overlap with others. And I have to nuture the few people that are in my life. I guess it's a matter of selective sharing at this point. Doing things that get me out with others who like the same things can help too. I haven't put a whole lot of effort in getting to know people or putting myself in situations where I could. It was always so easy for me before that I really don't know how.
I get nervous thinking about it. I've withdrawn so much, become such a different person. I'll have to start slowly. Do what feels safe at first and move on from there. I can't remain so isolated. It's not healthy, and I'm not happy. It's so sad to know I don't have any friends. It's sad to admit. It's just sad.
So... I have to do some things. I have to plan to see some people, and I have to participate in some activities that get me out where I can actually meet people.
I have to do some things today too. We're going to work around the house. I'm actually happy about that because it needs it, and I don't have to do it alone. Weekends are good.
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One Year Ago Today:
