Untying the Apron

Like I should really be here, but I am. I just can't get myself going, and I have so much going on in my head. It's not like I can coherently convey any of it, but it's not such a bad idea to try. It's driving me crazy, so if I get rid of a little of the clutter in my head, maybe I can go on to other things. Or maybe this is just an excuse to sit at the computer. I'm not fooling myself either.

So anyway, first on the list of things that's running through my brain is letting Hammy walk to Sheetz for the first time ever. Sheetz is about a mile away from our house, and his younger friend gets to walk there quite a bit. I've never felt comfortable letting Hammy go, and I can't say I'm exactly at ease right now. He did buy some walkie-talkies with birthday money while he was in Nebraska, so he's carrying one of those while I have the other here on the desk. It's not like I can run out and get him if there were to be trouble though. It makes it a little easier to keep tabs on him, but it definitely doesn't keep me from imagining strange men stopping for "directions" and snatching my little boy. The likelihood of tragedy occurring is low, but so was the chance Booie would have an autoimmune reaction that made her brain swell. I don't like relying on statistics.

I've always been a little crazy about the kids. Maybe it was the fact there was a serial killer in my hometown when I was growing up. Maybe it's overexposure to all the evils on the news. Maybe I am just a touch insane. I guess I've never spoken much with other moms about this to see if everyone does this or not. Do other parents constantly worry something terrible is going to happen to their children? Do they imagine finding a child drowned in the bathtub or blue and cold in the morning? Do they have visions of strangers speeding off with their child when the kid is five minutes late to come home? Am I just a freak that needs to loosen up, or do all parents think like this? Is it just an unspeakable evil we don't discuss for fear it might come true?

Hammy just rounded the corner to home. He called on the walkie-talkie a few minutes ago, saying he was on his way back and that he tried using it at Sheetz, but there was no signal. Glad I didn't know that before. It probably won't stop me from letting him go again though. I have to give him more freedom as he gets older, so he doesn't become too sheltered. It's just hard to know where to set limits. I don't know how far to extend that trust that he will know how to handle situations and come safely home. And sometimes it's not a matter of trust but a matter of being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Sometimes I really hate being a parent.

While I was walking with my training partner's friend last Monday (my partner had car trouble and couldn't make it), we talked about having kids, and she said she couldn't imagine having kids right now. She's 26 and just got a full-time position as a teacher. She's happy with her life and doesn't even imagine being married at this point. I told her if I were to go back, knowing what I do now, I would probably have put off having kids if I were able to have the same kids, of course. It's hard being a parent. People can spout the old adages about getting used to it and doing what you have to do, but it doesn't make it any less hard. You worry. You screw up. You lose a lot of freedom. You gain an immense responsibility. It's scary and draining and restrictive. But it's also immensely satisfying and unbelievably educational. I'd much rather hear a person who's not sure about parenting than one who pines away about having children. Children aren't romantic fairy tales. They are a lot of work, and they will take a part of you away that you don't ever get back.

Of course, it's not all worry and heartache. There are immeasurable joys in raising children. Sometimes I feel so much love that I think my heart might burst. Just watching them grow is an amazing experience. There really is nothing else like it, but that doesn't mean it's for everyone either.