This and the next few entries are transposed from my paper journal I've been keeping while at the hospital. They were written as things happened. It's been a bumpy ride. If I only knew then what I know now.

Questioning Everything

Another day in the hospital. I'm not expecting to be out anytime soon at this point. We were expected to be out yesterday. The doctors won't even hazard a guess now. This place is sucking the life from us.

Boo is on morphine since yesterday afternoon. I have mixed feelings with that as with everything else. It works wonders on her, but I worry about overdoing it. She has a remarkable ability to be grumpy and show pain even after the morphine, which makes me wonder how much of the pain is real.

It's a terrible thing to think; that she might be overdoing it. I don't doubt she's in pain, but it's the only thing wrong so far. Boo is a dramatic girl and has already shown her acting ability when someone says something she doesn't like (like blood) or touches her when she doesn't want to be touched (nothing wrong with that though). I was reaching over her this morning with no intention of touching her, and she let out a scream like I was ripping her arm off. So I can't help but wonder what kind of indicator her yelling is.

I'm testing her more now. I don't respond to her so quickly as I did or get upset by her display. When she's overreacting to something, I ignore her. I don't explain things to her anymore and respond with a simple "I know" to her protests. She's better with me now, though far from great. I did manage to calm her down and get her to sleep this evening when her yelling had the nurse asking to call the doctor. I can't help but wonder how good an actor she is.

I hope it's that she's feeling better. She went potty today and colored and acted like the little girl I know; not without pain, but with some normalcy. It gives me hope along with each negative test that comes back. The physical exams, the hip x-ray, the bone scan all looked normal. That relieves a lot of fears.

Since she's sleeping comfortably, I should rest too. I'm quite worn out. I probably should have rested right away. It seems my hope for sleep causes her pain too, for every time I lie down, the yelling begins. She can have more morphine now if she needs it, so at least if she does wake in pain, she has relief ready. I don't think I'll test her that time.