For Lack of Better

I'm unbelievably low on words and ideas lately. Well, actually I have lots of ideas but no good way to talk about them. It doesn't seem like writer's block, but maybe that's exactly what this is. I've never suffered writer's block before, so I don't know that I can recognize it. Plus, if I'm writing, even though it's not good, is it still writer's block? Like I said, I don't know.

I've been reading some of my old journals lately. I chose to look at the time when I was separated, off and on, from my first husband. It's really interesting to see the difference between my own memory of the feelings and events during that time and what I wrote. My memory is not always so accurate. Some of my memory seems to be altered by the fact that I hate to admit I ever even loved my first husband at all. Or is it just that I better recognize the relationship for what it was? I loved him in some way, even if it was a needy, settling sort of way.

I also loved someone else at the end of my relationship with my first husband. I don't deny that love at all, though it may have been just as needy. The difference is in that I never felt like I was settling. If I were thinking, I might have more to say about that, but that's not going to happen right now.

I have too much on my mind lately, and I'm feeling a little dumpy. I think maybe the dog is siphoning all good energy from me as she's in a fantastic mood. Too bad she can't do housework.