I was too sleepy last time to write any more paragraphs and fell asleep with the journal in front of me and my head cocked at an incredibly uncomfortable angle because I didn't want to disturb the cat sleeping in my hair. You can imagine how gratifying that nap was.
I'm reading The Weight Loss Diaries, and it's often like reading my own life. (You know, I really love using up a pen. I don't know why, but it just makes me way too happy. My pen just ran out of ink, which is why I had to mention that stupid little fact.) And I think, "Why can't I write stuff like this and have people read it? Pay money to read it." But then I end up listing the countless reasons why.
I am very good at lists and very good at seeing my flaws. So instead of drawing inspiration from such things, I just remind myself of how much of a loser I am.
What the book has inspired me to do is write more about my relationship with food and weight loss, to be more open and honest with myself. (Lucky you!) On paper. Denial is not so easy in black and white. Neither is letting myself be constantly berated. I have to get my feelings out. Face them. Face what I do, how I act, the way I treat myself.
And I do love writing like this. I think I've completely lost touch with my writer self. I often don't believe it's even there anymore. I let go of the dream because I'm not good enough. I've convinced myself of it. So I'm left floundering about what to do.
I don't want to do anything sometimes. Now is one of those. I feel crummy. Granted, it's the first real day of my period, and I'm cramping and bleeding like a stuck pig. My head hurts too. And both kids were home sick from school today. So this isn't the greatest of days to be passing judgement on myself. But that would be entirely out of character, wouldn't it?
I'll start from the beginning, because it won't take long. After getting up and finding out not only Hammy was staying home, but Booie was too, I counted the minutes to get the neighbor girl out the door. She's almost enough to make me want to start working again just so I can avoid her. She drives me bonkers, but my own kids' needs outweight that irritation. Most of the time. There is also that issue of work, in and of itself. But I'm getting entirely off course with this. Focus, Cindy.
5:39 p.m. - Waaay Off Course
I think I decided to go get more coffee. Then I got on the computer and started reading through 300+ emails from the soap group. For some reason, I put some of my written journal entries from December (my last online one was November 30th) on my online journal. I guess all that talk about writing dreams made me feel like putting some out there where I can pretend people read it.
John came home while I finished up email, and I feel guilty. I wanted to be off there before he came in, so I could pretend I wasn't worthless today. (I do a lot of pretending.) He worked all day and had to wear old pants because I haven't kept up on laundry, so his appearance was like a beacon of how irresponsible and lazy I was today.
It did prompt me to go wash my face and brush my teeth, both of which I hadn't done today. I still haven't put on a bra. In public, I would use these as proof of how truly lousy I felt today, because people who don't live with me don't know that is the norm for me. I'm always that pathetic.
But for nearly two weeks now, it hasn't been the norm, so I feel extra bad about it. I broke my streak, so those familiar feelings of failure sing me the "You'll always be a lazy loser," chorus. I risk slipping into the old ways because of one day. That's how it usually goes with me.
But not today. That's why I did brush my teeth and wash my face. I'm going to wash John's pants and Booie's bedding like I promised too. I'm tired of letting one setback become permanent and ruining me. It's one, stupid mess-up. Why do I expect myself never to have them? Why do I think I have to be perfect? I'm not completely worthless if I'm not perfect.
6:21 p.m. - I am not perfect
I think I need that as my new mantra. I wonder if I would finish more if I accepted the fact I am not and never will be perfect. I have no doubt that's why I don't complete so many things or only do them, when absolutely necessary, at the very last minute. I want things to be perfect. And if I have to do them but do them at the last possible minute, I have an excuse for not being perfect. And if I just don't do something, well, can't be judged, because it's done.
If only I never fount that pen when I was little that said, "Those that do nothing don't make mistakes." I remember thinking how funny it was and claiming it as my motto. I must have been about twelve, and I can still remember it as if it were last week. It was one of those pens shaped like a pencil, octagonal so it wouldn't roll. It even had one of those white ink "erasers" on the end tha tonly worked by rubbing a hole in the paper. It was a light aqua with metallic` blue print, like a shining message from God. Little did I know I would live my life by those words. God certainly screwed up with that message. I kept that pen well after it ran out of ink. I loved using it even though I hated how it wrote and hte way its shape dug into my fingers. I think I had it at least until we moved here to Pittsburgh. I specifically remember throwing it away, thinking, "Boy is that ever wrong!" Man, was I stupid.
So years of mistakes later, mistakes of doing nothing when I should have been doing something, I don't know what the hell I want to do. How many times do I need to figure this out? Will I ever be happy with my choices? I have to get past the notion that everything I do will be wrong. It's a wonder I'm married, as much as I seem to hate commitment. But then, when it comes to men, I play by an entirely different set of dumbass rules.
8:08 p.m. - The Usual Intro (Start of new paper journal)
I just looked at the first page of my last jounral, and I started off talking about weight loss goals. Considering that's how I planned to start this journal, I obviously didn't meet those goals. I said I'd be 145 lbs. by August 2004. Well, that clearly didn't happen. In fact, I weighed less when I wrote that goal than I do today. It almost makes me want to forget doing goals this time. But a)that wouldn't change that I have goals, and b)it would be stupid to give up. My goals are just going to be a little different, though much of it is still the same. Oh wait, that 145 was a late goal of March 2005. Don't think I'll be making that one either.
I thought I'd make a "review of the day" sheet that I fill out every day with my daily goals. I knew I wanted to do this already, but I know I have to put this into action.
8:34 p.m. - Can't Shut Up
Writing is better than eating right? If I could only ocnvince myself ot that every time. Or maybe just make myself do it. Anyway, as for the list...
-Wash face morning and evening
-Brush teeth morning and evening
-Drink 6 glasses of water
-No eating 2-3 hours before bedtime (about 7:30)
-Exercise (minimum 4 times/week)
-Strength train (minimum 2 times/week)
-Declutter 15 minutes
-Write one page in journal
-Make bed
10:10 p.m. - Starvation Workout
Wouldn't it be nice if thinking about eating and keeping yourself from eating burnt tons of calories? I'm pretty sure it doesn't do anything extra, or I'd be burning off the two brownies I ate today. I am so hungry! It's way too late to be eating though. I think my late eating could be why I don't go to sleep when I should too.
I didn't work out or do weight today, even though both were scheduled. I plan to make up for weightes tomorrow and work out Friday. I should have at least done the weights because iShape is goofy about moving those to the next week. Not much to do about it now.
I managed to salvage much of the day otherwise. I'm on my fifth glass of water. I did the laundry needed. I took my calcium, something I need to add to my daily list. I'm not eating after 7 p.m. I've written tons. I'll be doing the face and teeth pretty soon too. Considering how miserable I felt and how much I stayed in bed, this day isn't so bad. Now, if I can just keep myself from going through everything I should have done. It's fat too easy for me to criticize right after I recognize the positives.
Tomorrow is a new day, and I kind of want to try to go to sleep now, so I can get this one over with and start again. I just hope it's half as nice outside as it was today. I feel like I wasted a beautiful day. It was 61 degrees and sunny, breezy, and spring-like. My kind of day, but I wasn't having my kind of day otherwise. I felt guilty for being tired, headachy, and crampy even though there wasn't any controlling it. As defensive as I may be with others, I really always blame myself, even when circumstances are beyond my control.
I cna see myself getting angry and frustrated if the weather is cold or rainy tomorrow. I would feel like I wasted the good day and was being punished, believing I should have just sucked it up and got my ass outside. And maybe in some ways that's true, which makes me feel worse. I didn't want to leave two sick kids, but they could take care of themselves for 30 minutes. They were both playing video games anyway. Maybe a walk would have helped the tiredness, headache, and cramps. I feel like I at least should have tried. But I didn't and the day is gone. I'll have to make the best of tomorrow with however it turns out.
I'm just waiting for the dryer. I want to read my book until I feel like sleeping, but John's pants will get wrinkly if I leave them overnight. I'd yell at him for not doing the job right. I told him I'd have them done too. Being reliable is something that is important to me, something I'm often not. It's hard to feel good about yourself when you don't live up to the standards important to you. Maintaining a level of integrity with myself is something that I htink will help me in all aspects of my life.
It's sad I've lost trust in myself. I should be the first person I trust. There is a reason I don't though. I'm not trustworthy. No one is going to trust me, as well they shouldn't. It's going to take time to show people I can be trusted. The first person I need to impress that upon is me. It's very important. Integrity. Self-respect. It's all intertwined.
I hope to have the day to myself tomorrow, but I doubt both kids will be back to school. Booie just doesn't seem well. I have a hard time going about my plans with anyone around, but I will have to ifnd a way. It is a part of life--breaks in routine, illness, weather. May as well learn to work with unpredictability now.
All this writing definitely took my mind off being hungry, or whatever it is I am. Of course, notice how I did get back around to it. Because food, weight loss, body image, exercise enter my thoughts often and obsessively. It's a constant. As much as I think aobut how I look, you owuld think I'd be exactly how I want, bu tit doesn't work that way fo rme. Perfectionism undermines me. Rather than striving to be perfect, like some do, I give up. I hate to think of myself that way, always wanting to be tough and strong. I project myself like that a lot, but it's not the reality. Smoke and mirrors. My image is puffery, figuratively and literally.
I've become withdrawn. I don't talk to people unless they talk to me. I never think anybody likes me. I don't think I'm interesting at all, but if approached, can't seem to shut up about myself becuase I want to be liked so badly. I'm so completely immersed in myself that I don't think about anybody else, so why would anyone like me? And even if they did, I wouldn't know it. I don't call people. I don't ask anyone to do things. I always assume it won't go well. The few times I do things, I feel like I'm either OK in small exposure or simply tolerated. I feel weird, misunderstood, selfish, and different. I find a million excuses why someone won't like me or why someone won't like me or why I'm not included, but the truth is, I've isolate myself.
John has accused me of this, and it always makes me angry. Mainly because he thinks this is hwy I'm "so dependent on him" which is entirely off the mark. He sees my asking a normal partnership as being dependent. Way, way off the mark with that one, and I get angry just thinking about it. But some of the anger is because he is right that I have isolated myself.
I thought moving away from all the ties and troubles in Nebraska would make my life easier. I thought I would be free of Kay's bad influence on my eating and that I could remove myself from the poition on the front porch in front of her door where I thought I'd fallen. I couldn't seem to say no to her or control myself with her. She's a dominant personality, and I took the role of submissive. A role I failed to shed here in Pittsburgh, but now there is no one to direct me.
11:41 p.m. - One Block of Integrity
The laundry is done. My face is washed. My teeth are brushed. Booie went potty. Hammy is back in bed with his light off. My last glass of water is looking at me. And my clothes for tomorrow are laid out. I'm taking the steps to reach my goal. Tomorrow, I'll do more, including call the doctor for me, the uruologist for Booie, make my success sheet to fill out each day, and work on Booie's room so she can have her friend over this weekend, since last weekend didn't work out. I have to call about Stars On Ice too.
Now I'll go back to reading. Let's see if I quit writing for the day.
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One Year Ago Today:
