I told myself I wasn't getting back in bed this morning, and I didn't. Not that I've been the least bit lively or useful because of it. My accomplishments thus far? I read my email. I rated some songs in iTunes. I put some dishes in the dishwasher. I did the usual animal chores too. Woo.
I'm debating whether to go to yoga tonight or not. It would be wise not to spend the money. It would also be wise to get the exercise and de-stress. So which is the wiser? No one else is going, so I would be on my own, but you don't need partners to do it. John doesn't have band practice tonight, so I wouldn't have to worry about leaving the kids. I hate driving down there though. And it interferes with dinnertime. I don't like to eat for two hours beforehand, and I don't get done until 7:15, which is after my cutoff. That's a problem I have to solve anyway though. Do I let it prevent me from going this time? Why do I make everything such an agonizing decision?
In the meantime, there is so much to do, but I'm doing the usual avoidance. My garage is so full you have to open the garage door itself to get from the door in the basement to the other side. My area in the basement resembles a military obstacle course. But worse. The laundry room is forming its own mountain range. The kitchen should probably have a biohazard sign on it. The dining room table would be more appropriately dubbed the if-you-don't-know-where-it-goes-or-are-too-lazy-to-put-it-away-put-it-here table. Same for the chairs. And the coffee table I had completely bare less than a week ago? Sporting several dishes, magazines, papers, game controllers, used tissues (kids), and garbage (also kids). Oh, there is a lovely vase of red roses too. Like polishing a turd.
Speaking of roses, John has been leaving me little rose cards every day since Valentine's Day. It might rank as the sweetest thing he's ever done for me. I have them lined up on my nightstand. The first came with the big card. The second was on my pillow yesterday morning (so it's good I napped all morning, right?). The third was under the mouse on the computer. Good thing I got on there. Some days I don't. I'm curious how many there are. I suppose I'll have to dust off my patience and see.
12:28 p.m. - To Run Again
If I'm going to do the Race for the Cure again, I figured I might want to start training. Using the Galloway plan, I should have started three weeks ago, but that's OK. I still have 12 weeks, and that's plenty of time. I'll see if Hammy wants to run with me again too.
It looks like I'll be working out more than planned because of this, but that's OK too. I could switch to the Very Easy plan I have if needed, like if my knees hurt too much. But I'll give the Galloway plan a go and don't expect trouble. I'll be walking 3 minutes, running 1 minute to start which should be fine. My first run is tomorrow. Should be interesting.
2:45 p.m. - Motivating Molasses
While I have done more, I'm still lacking in production today. I can't seem to stop thinking, but when I come here to get it out... nothing. I feel guilt seeping in, and those thoughts--Lazy! Sluggish! Loser! Failure! Shouts that echo inside my head, fading to the insidious whispers that haunt me all the time.
It would be best to stop analyzing and start doing. So often I get stuck in worry, fear, belief in the sayings. But what is it really? Is it the constant perfectionism? Am I that afraid to try and fail? Or maybe lack of respect. Lack of caring. I do things only to be rewarded with apathy, ignorance, and bald disrespect. Like the coffee table covered in junk I didn't put there. I need some recognition, some honor.
I can't provide those things for myself. I wonder how I would manage if I were alonge, but I wouldn't have others to mess anything up then. No one to blame but myself. But also no one to leave dirty dishes scattered about, or garbage, or clothes. Just me. I can handle cleaning up after just myself.
I just can't seem to handle the responsibility of a family. My home is a reflection of this. I don't keep my kids in line. I don't take initiative. And not only that, I fall right into the same pigginess. No matter that it's out of despair. Who knows that when walking through the front door and confronted with this disaster?
11:48 p.m. - Evening Munchies
Oh my God, I wanted to eat this evening! I was convinced I was hungry too. I drank the rest of my Diet Dr. Pepper and the rest of my water, and of course, that didn't cut it. But despite the fact I thought I would starve, I managed to get through the evening without a morsel. I kept hanging onto the idea that fat was just melting off me. If only! I bet it did something though, and if I can keep it up, I think it will help immensely.
I've recently read a lot of articles saying drinking lots of water doesn't help at all with weight loss. What I want to know then is why do I alwyays have success when I make sure to drink 6-8 glasses? It's worked with Weight Watchers. It's working now. It just works for me. Does it make me feel full? Hell, no! But somehow it does help.
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One Year Ago Today:
