That's almost the amount of time since John left. I'm sure he dreads coming home. Can't say I blame him. I really wish he had the nerve to tell me he wanted out of this relationship. I wish I had the nerve, the self-respect to stop letting him treat me this way. I wish he would take me out and tell me how sorry he was and make it all better.
Looks like that won't happen. Booie just came out here.
This hasn't been anything like I wanted. Not even close. I really don't want him to write something back, but that's often what happens. I don't know that it is better than nothing either. I wrote because he wasn't here and also because he is less caught up in himself when he reads. I've never met anyone so defensive. It's beyond description. I wish I could explain it, but it's something that is only truly known through experience. No one believes a lot of things about John except through experience. I absolutely hate that about him--the defensiveness. It's impossible to get any point across. He never understands anything because he's too busy covering himself. I should write to him all the time, because it's the only way I have a chance. But that's not what I want in a relationship either.
This night sucks, and I'm not feeling very positive about the little bit that's left. John would label me the pessimist because of that, disregarding how these things always turn out. In our thirteen years together, I doubt there have been ten times I felt resolution.
My head hurts again. My heart has been pounding a lot lately too. And I can often feel the blood rushing through my head. I have a feeling my blood pressure is totally out of control. I'm going through a cluster phase too, if that's what these headaches are. It was getting better until Chicago. So I feel shitty inside and out. I'm not so sure consistency is a good thing in this case.
I can hope John makes it big, so I get enough support that I still don't have to work.
The Harry Potter book came out today, but I didn't go get it. We were in the mall parking lot when I broke down. I didn't want to go in there after crying. Had I stopped, I could use the escape into a fantasy world like that. I'll have to wait until tomorrow.
John's not getting Booie to bed. It's her bedtime now. Another way of avoiding me. She is being very charming, but he hasn't even made mention of it.
I can't act like nothing happened. In fact, I feel like I'm different now. Maybe this is another one of those temporary resolutions, but right now, I feel I've changed, like I have given up a little bit. He can't treat me badly if I don't expect anything from him, and in return I won't give anything either. Until I know what the hell I'm doing, we can be roommates--just roommates that sleep in the same bed. Nothing else though, not that there has been anything for weeks, maybe months, anyway. I have to wall myself off to survive, and he's made it clear since he came home that was a smart decision.
But it does hurt, and my heart is broken. As stone-faced as I try to be. I can't deny that.
Booie is finally in bed, and he lay down beside me. I don't know what to do. He's not talking. What's the point? I'm not starting anything. He came in here to me. He read my note. He should be talking. I've paused from writing. Nothing. I may have to leave again. This is ridiculous.
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One Year Ago Today:
