Must have run out of things to say. Or more like, I get tired of repeating myself for a time. Things settle down. I absorb the peace for the short time it lasts. There were birthdays to celebrate, and a Ham to welcome home. My ass has been a problem, and that's never fun to talk about. For me anyway. I suppose I could make it quite amusing if I weren't so apalled by it. Now that that problem is waning, all the regular worries, irritants, and problems come forth again.

As usual, my heart hurts. Same reasons: loneliness, neglect, being low on John's list. He grows meaner--what he likes to call "sticking up for himself," if his barbs qualify. I felt low enough without the vicious comments and smart remarks put forth as letting his feelings be known. I'd rather he keep the bill. Even after my letter, he withholds tenderness. How many ways does he have to show he doesn't care?

We had a discussion as we waited for dinner, after dinner, as we drove home, until I quit talking, because he wanted to quit. He doesn't seem concerned that the issue is unresolved. We wouldn't have talked about it anymore once our food was served had I not picked it up again. I told him every time that it was still a problem, but he wouldn't talk anymore. And now I'm again telling this paper what I should be discussing with him. It would appear he doesn't want things fixed. If I were to believe what is instead of what I wish.

It was the band again. At least, that is the front under which his neglect took shape today. A common suit for this problem, for the band is one of the high-ranking items on John's list of important things. One of those things that receives the attention, dedication, and urgency of which I dream and for which I yearn. Once more, I was expected, not even asked, expected to understand and step aside for this band. And I was told he wished I could be supportive of him and his feelings, to exhibit sympathy for his situation.

I get cold when I come here and pour my heart out. My fingertips are bluish, as if the blood retracts from my limbs to feed my hungry heart. My cold hands aren't a sign of a warm heart, as the old saying goes. It is the sign of a heart left to die. I am not the vampire in this couple, as he has joked. He drains me and gives only enough to keep me alive.

Even those reassurances have grown sparce. He no longer even nurtures hope, saying he isn't sure that he will ever be able to provide what I ask.

I'm so damn stupid. So damn stupid. It's so obvious, but I hang on. Is it worth it? He's told me again that I don't matter. Is it worth not being loved to keep the family together, to be home for my kids? This pain and heartache?

Just once, I wish he would come to me, keep the discussion going without being prodded, tell me "if it makes you happy," just not avoid me. I don't go away. My feelings don't go away. Time heals nothing.

Why am I so stupid? I've ruined my whole fucking life. One mistake after another. And if there came a time I'd make a good decision, I'd make sure to ruin that too by doing something to fuck it up. I'm not excusing John. He's still a mess, but I picked him. I knew what I wasn't getting, and I signed up for it. I guess I never believed I deserved to be happy.

I am full of venom right now. I can admit it. I was hurt, and I'm angry because of it. I don't know how to handle talking to him. I told him avoiding it would escalate it. It always does. But he avoided anyway. He'll say he didn't have anything else to say, that there was nothing left to talk about, as if he was the only one that mattered. He may use the kids as an excuse, but I know it's just that he didn't want to deal with me anymore. If he wants to talk, I'll let him talk. Even if I said everything I said here, even if I was suddenly gifted with the ability to communicate perfectly, he won't get it. He doesn't get it. And I hate that about him. But he can talk if he wants. Which he probably won't even do.

Speak of the devil... he's lying here just now, and he hasn't said a word. Not even a greeting. Same old nothing.

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One Year Ago Today: