The rest of the holiday trip to Nebraska was full of the usual visiting, gift-opening, running around, and celebrating. But this year was different, of course, because I wasn't with John for the first time in thirteen years. He didn't talk much to me when he called, or when we called. He talked to Booie quite a bit, which was good. I didn't envy her that at all; just wished he would have talked to me too.

My brother and some of this hoard came over Christmas day. It was nice to see him again. I didn't get to see him when I came in November. I was also allowed to take Hammy for the afternoon and overnight, so he got to see everyone too.

Booie and I left my mom's the day after Christmas to stay with Kay, who had individual beds for each of us. Booie flops, kicks, and travels during her sleep, which didn't help my well-established trouble sleeping. Booie would also have someone to play with at Kay's, even if Kay's daughter is five years her junior.

Booie had a difficult holiday. She cried two nights before we left in anticipation of missing Daddy and because she missed her great grandmothers. She also knew that if we did not go, she would miss Hammy, which had her crying weeks before. She has the very same torn feelings that I feel, and it breaks my heart, because there is nothing I can do to fix it. I would just tell her it was okay to feel the way she was feeling and try to get her to express it and work through it as best I could. She was still withdrawn throughout the trip, and everyone noticed. In many ways, no one got to see Booie, because so much of her wasn't there.

On the 30th, I asked John if he was going to call for New Year's. For some reason, that stupid number changing on the year means a whole lot to me, and I had a hard time accepting being without John. The next best thing was to be talking to him. He wasn't so sure he wanted to call though, and I should have just left it at that, but I didn't. He admitted he was having a terrible time and didn't know what he would be doing. I couldn't understand why going out would prevent him from calling me, after all, it wouldn't have done so if we weren't separated. What I failed to realize was that we were, and are. Nonetheless, saying he couldn't call because he might be out was an excuse of poor quality, and being in the mood I was, I called him on it. He ended up saying he would try, but he couldn't guarantee anything. I spent the rest of the evening in my room, crying, ignoring the guests that had come over to Kay's that night.

Kay came in to check on me every so often. Cam, her husband, did too. He even held me a bit, which sent me into another wave of tears. He was even going to send everyone home, but I insisted he not do that. There was no sense in ending everyone's enjoyment over me. Kay later told me they talked about their disfunctional families for a while and that she and I seemed pretty normal after that.

John did call New Year's Eve, right before the East coast brought in the New Year. Booie was thrilled to be able to talk to her Daddy, so I felt better about pressing him to call. We didn't talk much, just as we hadn't all the other times prior to the 30th. I thanked him and wished him a Happy New Year then went to celebrate the Central time zone's New Year with my friends.

New Year's Day, we flew home, and John picked us up at the airport. When we arrived home, he already had all his things cleared out of the house, so it was apparent he wasn't planning on staying over again.

As it came time for John to leave, I found Booie in her room on the floor in tears. She didn't understand how she was feeling, explaining it as being angry and sad at the same time. I asked her if she would like to talk to Daddy, but she wasn't sure. I asked if she would like to talk to him with me, and she did want that, so I interupted John from putting on his coat and brought him into Booie's bedroom. Booie didn't say much, so I tried to tell him the things she told me without trying to put my own spin on it. I would ask her if I said everything correctly. I figured it was a start to communicating for her, though I know she will have to learn to do it herself. She talks with me fine but doesn't with John. She cried more and talked a little on her own. John talked some too and didn't try to make light of things like he sometimes does with her. He held her for a while and then said goodbye.

Of course, I couldn't just leave things lie, and I talked with him some more at the front door. He was in no mood, and even though I saw that, I continued anyway. I was worried about him too. He did not look well at all, and I wanted so badly to help. Being part of the problem though, he did not want help from me. So my first day back was rotten, and I did not like where my relationship with John seemed to be heading once again.

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One Year Ago Today: