The past couple days, I napped again after the kids were off to school. I didn't really feel like I needed it today, unlike yesterday. But I hate mornings and just didn't feel like doing anything, so I went back to bed. That's three out of four days this week. I don't know.

Unsettled. That's how I feel lately. Some of the old feelings trying to make a last stand. Discomfort with changes. Discomfort with not changing. Wanting desperately to withdraw from life for a while. Naps do that.

10:35 p.m. - Trials and More Trials

Gee whiz, is this how it's always going to be? Can I ever get past these long, tedious slumps in my life, my attitude? I am just so sick of fighting with myself all the damn time. Like I'm always going to be waist-deep in shit, having to trudge-trudge-trudge along. Ugh! I'm so frustrated!

So... clearly I've been feeling low again. Napping. Griping. STagnating. I even slacked on my list and haven't washed my face or brushed my teeth in the morning for the past two days. I know. Gross. My state of mind can be directly determined by my dental hygiene. I've avoided other things too, like calling my boss about working at the hospital for a couple weeks at the beginning of April. That's weighing on me and a big reason for being down.

I don't want to go in. I said I could help a while back, and now I don't want to do it. I dread going in there anymore. I'm not fond of the work, even though I'm good at it and I find it interesting. I like the people that work there, but I really don't like a lot of the patients. Or the smells that go with the job. Wounds stink. And so do some of the patients. I thought it would be easier when I was only there occasionally, but it's not. I'm not used to it anymore, and with a strong sniffer like I have, that's not good. But I do want to help, and I can really use the money. So I'll make the call tomorrow and get it over with.

I feel better already. Avoidance is very stressful. I should have written about this last week.

One thing that has been good throughout this slump is exercise thanks to my excitement about the treadmill. I've logged four hours in the past three days. I've kept up with my strength training too. I really want to be able to run the whole Race for the Cure this year, so that's motivating me too. I have much more belief that I can finally do this.

I haven't been keeping my food journal since Friday though, so it would be an easy guess how I've been eating. And eating. And eating. While not as bad as pre-food journal, it's not good, as was documented today when I started up again with keeping track. I did keep drinking water though, and I haven't eaten after 7:30-8:00. So my eating might not be great, but at least I'm sticking to some of the good habits.

I'm very nervous about the scale this week. I have been weighing myself every morning, and I've been up one pound from Sunday. Today, I was up two, but I'd eaten before I weighed, so I still think it's just one. It wouldn't be the end of the world, but I would like to be able to keep a pretty big weight loss without gaining the next week for once. I know I haven't been eating the best, but it hasn't be that bad. Not one pound bad, and definitely not two. I have been working my butt off with the treadmill. I'd really like to have a good loss two weeks in a row, but even a little one this week would be fantastic. I'm definitley doing enough activity for it, but sometimes that bites me in the butt, and I maintain or gain from the increased activity. It ends up evening out in the end, but it sucks until then.

Hammy is going to run with me again, so he's been doing what he needs to do to train too. He also said he would like to do an adventure race with me if he could, so I'm pretty excited about that. It's just too bad there's not one in Pittsburgh anymore, but Virginia isn't far, and it's a heckuba lot warmer in October. There is a longer race held in West Virginia, I think, which is even closer. He really got my gears turning when he said that, so I've been thinking about it ever since. It would be cool to race with my son.

He is dying to go mountian biking too. I said we could get him a decent bike for his birthday (but early) if he is really serious. If he's talking racing, I'd say he is. I'm not sure how ready I am to start riding again, but I have to start sometime. Now that the weather seems to be breaking, I can get out there. Just have to get the kid a bike. It's much more fun to have a partner.

I'm really glad Hammy is showing an interest in activities like this. I get a partner, but it's good for him too. Booie has started to show interest in activity as well, so it's good for all of us. I hope my kids get exercise established in their lives, so they don't face the weight issues like I have.

As feared, I am not the least bit sleepy. Doesn't do me much good now, but I knew a nap today was a bad idea. I sure wish I had a sleep switch, so I wouldn't have these problems.

I haven't read any more in Self Matters. I should probably give myself assignments, so I don't let it go like that. I still believe the self work is what will make the real difference in my weight, because my weight is just a symptom of what's wrong inside. Plus, all these other issues I have can get some care too. I still have hope that I can have more good days than bad.

It is interesting to me that since I've been writing so much more, I feel like I'm making better progress. I might not be writing anything exciting to anyone but a zealous psychiatrist, but it helps me. And I certainly need the help. NO wonder I love writing so much. It's my own little hapyp pill.

In order to be happier tomorrow, it's time to make attempt #1 at sleeping. Time to try Benjamin Franklin as sleep aid.

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