Ah, the wonders of actually using my automatic coffee maker! I got the bright idea last night (duh) and set it up. So when I dragged my carcass out of bed this morning, I could head straight to the caffiene fountain and prevent myself from crawling back into the wondrous world of dreams. It felt pretty good too, being awake and all. I even worked out before noon. I might have to strangle the next news reporter that says caffiene is bad for me.
1:23 p.m. - Does One Ever Overcome Obsessiveness?
Now that I finally have a treadmill, I'm constantly thinking about going on it. I'm sure there are worse things than being an exercise junkie (OK, I know there are), but there is that fear of overdoing it. I'm so bad about getting carried away with things and then burning out. I can't afford to burn out on this. We just spent John's entire bonus on this treadmill. Plus there's my increasing BP, aching joints, and growing size. The costs are financial and figurative.
Why am I fretting over this? There is no problem right now. It may be good to be prepared, but it's also stupid to worry about things that haven't happened. I have to stop doing that to myself.
Speaking of self-torment, I made the call to my boss and told her I can work the two weeks she needs. As much as I don't want to do it, my only reason not to is not wanting to, and that's just not good enough. I had made the previous commitment, and I'd hate myself if I backed out. So I'll spend the first two weeks of April with stinky wounds and deal with the dread of going in each day. At least I won't have to worry about napping in the morning. I can use the paycheck too.
My next source of guilt is unsent packages. I have Christmas gifts for Kay that have made me feel so bad that I haven't talked to her since January. Then there is the box of Girl Scout cookies to send to my mom, along with my sister's birthday present from December 31st. And let's not forget the DVD I took from my dad at our visit to Colorado last summer that I said I'd copy and send right away. What is my problem with boxing stuff up and taking it to the post office? God, my brain is whacked.
Think I'll work on these things. Lightening my guilt burden seems like a pretty good idea.
3:48 p.m. - De-Guilting Wears Me Out
Now I'd like a nap. At least I got through the morning. I worked on that Christmas box and thinking about all I still have to do makes me shut down. Some is done though, and that's better than before. Maybe I should think chronologically though and get the DVD doen first. Right after a little nap. And writing here. And a shower.
Ever since yesterday's a little bit of running, I've had a bit of a cough. There's one of those permanent itches in my throat, and I'm constantly trying to clear it. It's annoying. Whatever happened to being able to exercise and just feel good afterward? Getting old sucks.
To think, I'm probably not even halfway through my life. Does that mean there's that much more suckage in my future? No wonder there's crabby old people. It's a wonder they aren't all raging lunatics. Please God, tell me this exercise and somewhat better eating will make it better. I'm really dreading extra aches. Aren't wrinkles and saggy boobs enough? This torture and deprivation better pay off.
Since I'm on the subject of old coots, I wonder what John will be like when he gets home. I kind of want to get out, so I'm sure he'll be tired and want to stay in. That's how it works with us. When I'm tired, he's not and vice versa. I guess there's only so much energy to go around and one or the other gets it.
If I take a shower, I'm sure to fall asleep. And no, I haven't had a shower. In fact, I haven't showered in almost two full days, even though I've worked out. Should anyone ever doubt my grossness, there's proof. Proof I'm terribly lazy as well. I want to take a shower now, despite the conk factor, but the sun came out, and I'm basking like one of the cats. It doesn't clean me, but it does make me more pleasant, which everyone around here appreciates. From a distance. If they stay on the other side of the fresh laundry pile, all will be well. Yes, I'm kidding. I will take a shower. Another cloud just passed, so I'll get going now, even.
5:54 p.m. - One Shower and No Nap Later
I'm only writing to gripe about how tired I am when what I should be doing is resting. I get nervous resting this late, because I often don't sleep later. But then, I often don't sleep later anyway. Maybe if I do another small walk later, I'll be more worn out.
I feel like such a hog today. After having some basil tomato pasta for lunch, which was just fine, I ate four Thin Mints and two slices of cheese pizza left over from last night. Later I had one of those little biscotties with my fourth cup of coffee of the day. Even breakfast wasn't so great, eating two bowls of Honey Nut Cheerios. But it was the lunch that did it. I was stuffed before I even finished, but I still crammed it all in.
I did it before working on my guilt-inducers but after talking to my boss. I suppose it could have been the stress of having to work that set me off. Worrying about losing weight this week is weighing (ha-ha) on me too, which should keep me from eating but doesn't. I waited a little too long to eat too. I was pretty hungry by the time I started making lunch. Now if only I could work this all out before I binge.
I'm worried about dinner now. Being tired always makes me lenient with myself. It's been a while since lunch now, but John's not ready to eat. Then we're probably going to go out which means fighting that childhood mentality that going out is special and means eating whatever I want. I hate eating at the same places, but variety means more temptation. I'll give myself excuses like not having eaten at that place for a long time, so I can splurge here. If we go to a different place each time, I can use that excuse every time, which is more often than it should be too.
God, it's going to be dark before we go anywhere. I'm goign to end up wanting every non-meat item on the menu.
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One Year Ago Today:
