John has been playing a lot of Nascar on Xbox, if wrecking and creating havoc counts as playing. He seems to have an awful lot of fun doing it. Nascar happened in our house because there is no hockey this year. One of the many side effects of the NHL lockout--perfectly respectable people become Nascar fans. And I thought I was weird because I like to watch golf. Now I can add "watching cars go in circles" to my list of hobbies. Sheesh. Next thing you know, I'll be watching tennis too.

My point here has nothing to do with the stupid things I watch on TV. It has to do with how I spun off in the ditch. There is an "intimidate" feature on the Nascar game where you get behind another driver and mess them all up so they lose control. It starts with the rear end shaking a bit until the car just veers and spins off while you go merrily on your way. Other drivers can do the same to you. Besides wrecking everyone all to hell like John does, this is a good way to get villian points in the game. But causing wrecks is much more effective if you want to be bad, something that doesn't translate well to real life because Nascar would ban you from even looking at any motorized vehicle again. So much for John's Nascar career. And so much for my figurative one because I've been intimidated right off track.

Rather than going into the depressing details, I figure I'll just get back to business. I have continued to do some things right, so this snag isn't a total loss. I messed up some, and now it's time to recover.

9:50 p.m. - Wishing for Easy

I'm realistic enough to know that no one really has it easy. I'm not asking for an easy life. I just want some easy days, an easy week maybe. Every day seems to be a struggle anymore, and I'm tired of it. I get mired down for a while, because I get tired of fighting, and then I move on again. I'd like to get back to having more good days than bad.

It wasn't always like this, so I know it can be better, and that keeps me going. All these books and articles I've read lately say you really can think your way to success. I'm certainly no expert, and I clearly haven't succeeded with what I have done. My therapist always said cognitive therapy would be a good idea for me, but I never took it very far. I read the handout, wrote a little bit, and left it at "tried it." I never really put it to use, just like the Dr. Phil books or some of the other books I have. So maybe I should do the work. Really dig in and do it, so it can get better.

Bella keeps gnawing on my knuckles. She's never done that before, and it's a little disturbing. She is purring, but I'm pretty happy when I eat too. Maybe her worship of John has gone to the point where she wants to get rid of me.

So... enough feeling sorry for myself. Time to move on and do the work.

I'm going to pay closer attention to the din inside my head the next couple days and try to hone in on what I'm telling myself on a regular basis. I'll start with a good one from today, since I'm also trying to be more positive, just to prove I really am.

• Your butt isn't so fat anymore that the bathtub doesn't drain in the way when you're sitting in it.
  

I could probably say it nicer, but it is a good comment, which is more than I can say for most.

• You're probably exercising too much now, which is going to make your body hang onto its fat. You can't win.
  
• I didn't know my stomach looked so huge when I down dog. Jesus. That's awful.
  
• I get a damn salad for dinner and half the fucking lettuce is frozen and nasty. I can't even enjoy a salad. Why do I bother? I do what I should and get screwed.
  
• I wouldn't want to have sex with me.
  
• I'd be better at yoga if I didn't have all this fat in the way.
  
• I like to say I'm a bell. I don't like pears. I'm bell-shaped.
  
• I'm eating these cookies. I am. I want them, and I'm eating them. I should be able to have whatever I want.
  
• It's not like anyone looks at me anyway. I'm fat. I don't need makeup/to do my hair/to dress nice.
  
• I'm just stupid and lazy.
  
• I'm a failure. That's all I've done in my life--fail.
  
• It's no use.
  
• I don't want to have to watch what I eat.
  
• Where are all the fat people? 67% of Americans are fat, but I seem to be the only one that goes to the mall.
  
• (In the fitting room) You are huge!
  
• How can something that looks so nice on a hanger look so incredibly shitty on you!
  
• Potato.
  
• You don't deserve to look nice.
  
• You look like your mother.
  
• You look like you weight what you do now. People aren't shocked anymore.
  
• You are obese.
  
• I should just stay home.
  
• How can you eat that?
  
• You are a hog/bottomless pit/horse/cow/hippo.
  
• Your face even looks fat now. It's so wide.
  
• There's only so much you can do to look nice. Shoot for presentable.
  
• Don't do anything to draw attention.
  
• It could be worse.
  
• Your boobs look awful when you lose weight.
  

Believe it or not, that's just a tiny sample of what I say to myself.

• You're never going to do it.
  
• There has to be something wrong with me.
  
• Your waist is so thick.
  
• People have waists smaller than your thighs.
  
• How could you let yourself get this way?
  
• If you just would have stuck to it the ____th time, you wouldn't be here now.
  
• You always quit. You never finish anything.
  
• You're so unreliable.
  
• Nobody likes you.
  
• You're stupid.
  
• You can see the muscles there.
  
• Your legs will look great if you get rid of this weight.
  
• You really are strong.
  
• You kick ass.
  

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One Year Ago Today: