Going on two weeks of miserable depression. I can't seem to pull it together. I don't know if the medication just isn't helping or if additional stress is too much.

I got to thinking about my loneliness theory again yesterday. John was home, and I thought how I still wasn't able to get things done whenever he's around. I've complained about it before. I figured that disproved my theory. As I've thought about it more though, I realized I'm still lonely even when he is here. So theory back on.

Yesterday wasn't so good in lots of wasy, as the entries I wrote showed. John didn't feel well physically and like me, didn't feel well emotionally either. He did say he's been working hard to be more positive and has been doing better. Yesterday was just a down day for both of us, and that never turns out well.

Problem is, it usually works that way. Even if he is doing well on a particular day, if I'm not and show it, his turns bad. If he's having a bad day, he doesn't show it unless something comes up with me. Then, like yesterday, it's a mess. But basically, if I'm not happy, it ends up a mess because he will go downhill if he isn't already there. I never get what I need because he is never there to support me, and he doesn't get what he needs because he doesn't show anything until I'm already incapable of helping.

Emotions suck.

John and I do try. I wonder if we're both just too broken to help each other. We're both trapped in a Scooby Doo snowball, rolling downhill. It runs over everything in our lives. We start it, intending to catch the monster, but it just goew awry.

I have felt very incapable lately. I haven't been very positive with myself. The cold I had, the PMS, the period, the Race, Mother's Day, arguments with John, worries over money, feeling overwhelmed, the messy house, all contribute to my foul outlook. And I let them. I have so many fears that are coming out. I'm so on edge and feel guilty for that, because I know it's too much for John. But like I said, I don't have friends. My family is far away, and I have been neglectful (is that a word?) in that area too. More guilt. More overwhelm. And I become more paralyzed. So it makes sense I feel incapable, but it's not helping.

I want to hide today. I don't think it will help at all, but that's what my instincts are telling me. All flight, no fight. Since I haven't let myself curl up in a ball, I've been eating. All. Day. Long. Maybe it's better I hide. Except it's not. I know that.

John never called to say he was leaving. I really hope he's not still there. He's been stressed and busy at work. I'm sure missing yesterday didn't help. He didn't respond to an email I sent either. He's going to be wiped out, and I'm going to have to watch that I don't make it worse.

I'm currently debating whether to spray the lawn for weeks or take a bath and read. I'm weighing which will help me most. I'm completely embarassed by the state of our lawn. Spraying it would relieve that stress and get me outside. I could also use a break. A real break where I don't think, worry, or mope. I know I could bath lather, but then everyone is home. The lawn will make me feel like I accomplished something, but I have to make dinner. I guess dinner won't get done in the bath either. Argh! I'll just do the lawn. Seems to have more plusses.

After laundry, which I don't want to do at all but must.

11:40 p.m. - Less Than Expected

That could be my epitaph at this point in my life. Suck.

So tomorrow does not end up the disappointment-laden guilt-fest of today, I decided to write a list of will-dos. Not to-dos that can be easily pushed off to another day, but will-dos for tomorrow.

• I will call my mom.
  
• I will package the gift and cookies for my sister and mom.
  
• I will work out.
  
• I will log my food and follow my eating plan.
  
• I will spray the lawn, barring rain.
  
• I will find out how to get my transcripts and lay out a plan to get them.
  
• I will do two loads of laundry.
  
• I will call work.
  
• I will finish my soap.
  
• I will label my soap.

Basically, I'm going to take care of a lot of things causing me guilt and worry. I am not giving that nasty, mean, hateful side of myself any more fodder.

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One Year Ago Today: