I am not calling him this time. No matter how miseralbe I get, I will not call. He said if he was going to be "really late," he would call. I don't know what he considers really late, but I guess we aren't there yet. I usually call around the kids' bedtime, but that's me, and I think about others. If there is one thing John is not, it's considerate.

Hammy has his friend over for the night. He's been here most of the day too. I couldn't go anywhere even if John did call, but he doesn't know that. It was such a nice day today too.

I have to think about how to handle his return. Arguing isn't a good idea. I don't know that I'll say much without arguing or crying. He never talks when he gets home, which irritates me even more. He always says to "give him a minute" or that he has to "settle down" or "collect his thoughts" only to go on to say a couple of sentences or ask me what I want to know. It's very frustrating, so I'm not even going to go there either. So it pretty much seems like I need to do nothing at all, cover up how I feel, and hope for the best. I kind of want to ignore him, but that's just another avenue to an argument. If I could shut off emotions like he does, I'd be great. All I have are emotions right now. That doesn't make figuring things out easy.

I'm hoping every car that goes by is him, but it's not. I doubt I'd still be writing if one was, but that may be an option to help me deal with this. I don't know how to stop obsessing over these cars. I will get too hot if I shut the windows.

My stomach has been growling for an hour, but I'm not eating any more today. That got me thinking about how I'm finally taking care of myself, losing weight, being nicer, and he isn't any different with me. He doesn't even want to take me out.

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One Year Ago Today: