I don't know what possessed me, but I was going crazy cleaning the kitchen today. It probably had something to do with making breakfast this morning and getting fed up with having no space to do anything. I was pulling stuff out of the corner cupboard, throwing out old food, rearranging spices and such, labeling, and loading things in the dishwasher. The corner cabinet and corner counter are clean, organized, and usable. I removed the bulky under-the-counter can opener that I haven't been using too.
We had a late breakfast, and I was busy and didn't eat lunch. Didn't feel like it anyway. I made dinner, had a couple snacks, and I'm under calories again today even with the baked apple french toast. I'm not worried about it though as I'm still above 1200 and eating healthfully with good ratios.
It was another rest day today, and I wasn't so worried about it this time. I'm on a roll, and I'm going to enjoy it while it's easy. I know I'll stay on schedule and work out tomorrow. I still have to get below John too who weighed in a full four pounds less than me this morning. Argh! That's motivation! All this work, and he is still ahead.
Of course, John is working at it too. He's still not working out, but really, he doesn't have to to see results. It is some consolation to me that I know I'm not losing muscle, but gaining it. I'd really like to see him start working out, not to slow down his weight loss (I'm sure it would help him to lose more), but for him to be healthy. It would be nice to be active together too. Like eating, doing exercise together would be easier. I've never had as much trouble with exercise, but it would still be nice to be in it together.
He's at a pre-reunion gathering for his elementary school. One of the people he really wanted to see might not be able to make the reunion, so some of them were getting together tonight for dinner. I guess spouses weren't going. I wasn't really sure, but he set that straight. So John is out again while I sit at home, and I'll admit, I am jealous. It's not like he's going to see high school crushes or anything, but it's still one of those situations like you hear on Oprah--Primary School Friends Find True Love After 25 Years. Until our marriage is stronger, I don't feel comfortable with these things. Beattie isn't there either, which would have been nice. John left nearly four hours ago, and I can't help but wonder what he'd be doing with people he hasn't seen in about two decades. He hates talking to me for even a few minutes. He'll tell me it's because there was more to tell them since he hasn't seen them in so long, just like he said aobut Jim.
Then there's the issue of him going out so much without me. He hasn't wanted to go out with me at all. I even said something about it when Jim was in town, but since then... nothing. Yes, I can do things too or come up with stuff for us to do, but so can he, and he doesn't. He came up with things when we were dating. Why don't men put any effor tin a relationship once they have a woman? It's all about the thrill of the chase. That's what worries me.
This sucks.
While I'm fretting, I'm doing him a favor by dumping shows onto DVD. I didn't much feel like doing anything, but I didn't want to just sit around either. This stuff's been on the Tivo a while, so I thought I'd take care of it. It's not like I should not do it because I'm feeling jealous. That won't help anything. Hopefully, doing it will.
I started laundry too, but I'm not doing that for him specifically. I'm out of undies, and I really want to get the tourniquet underwear that I have on now, off. These underwear are cut in a way I find most unflattering on me. They come up only enough to go right under my belly pooch, and I prefer to cover that. The elastic is spearating on these too, so I'll just throw these stupid things away when I take them off. But I have to have some to change into. Well, I guess I don't have to. Wonder if that would make John like me more.
I keep thinking, why couldn't he call me later and ask me to join him? Why can't he include me later? Why doesn't he think about me? Why doesn't he want to go out with me? I know the primary reason he wouldn't have called is he just doesn't think about it, but even if he did, he would make a bunch of assumptions about me not being ready or not wanting to leave the kids (because we've never done that) or some other excuse that he uses to make himself feel better. The other side of me says it's because he doesn't want me there. I don't know if I'm just looking for things because I'm insecure or if I'm insecure because I have good reason to be.
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One Year Ago Today:
