So it's already after noon, and I haven't done much of anything. All my big talk doesn't amount to much most of the time, it seems. But I am making small progress, and it's progress that is particularly difficult for me. I think it may take so much focus that I do have a hard tijme doing anything else. I think that makes me sound awfully weak, but it's the truth of it. I'm easily overwhelmed with this kind of thing.
This might make it seem I'm not such a good candidate for going down to help Hurricane Katrina victims, but I think the opposite is true. It will be good for me to have a solid, defined purpose. I like helping people, and I feel a need to do so. I don't have to make my own rules or manage my and my family's lives. I don't have to think about my marriage. And being amongst people whose lives have been completely disrupted can give me some perspective. It already has.
Some may say my volunteering seems selfish, but I'm not doing it to fix myself or get away. It's nothing like that. I was completely motivated by a great urge to help others and make a difference. I want to be active in making things better. It could be said that volunteering in general is a selfish act if you want to take that view. Humans generally do things that make them feel good, so all we do oculd be called selfish as one coworker of John once said, but I think that's a negative way of looking at it. Truly selfish people don't care about others when seeking happiness. I do care. I've always cared. I'm finally going to do something about that.
I signed up for Disaster Training Boot Camp next weekend. Once that is complete, I may be called at any time. I am a little nervous. I've never been away from my family for so long. I've never been so independent before. Ever. The closest I came was when my parents lef tme home alone for almost a week while I was in college. It was the one and only time I knew I sleepwalked. I don't think I'll do that, but it's going to be tough. I will miss John and the kids like... I don't even know. Hammy's obviously been away or weeks at a time visiting his dad, but Booie was here. I feel awkward whenever they are both gone, even for one night. It is different when I'm the one gone, but gone for three weeks? I'm not sure how to prepare for that. I suppose there is no real way to do it.
I do know there are some things I can do here, so I'll feel more comfortable leaving everyone here wihtout me. I'm going to prepare some lists and instructions, so the house isn't a disaster when I come back, and the kids do OK with school and activities. It's probably not a bad idea to have things like that anyway. People say all the time, "You never know what might happen," but then pass it off without doing what they can to prepare. So we will be prepared.
I really need to go to work out now. I'm putting it off. Been doing it very well all day so far.
4:42 p.m. - Through the Weekend
I am having the greatest week ever as far as exercise and eating go. No, if I can avoid weighing at least two pounds more on Saturday and Sunday like I have the past couple weekends, I'll be really happy. I feel really good.
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One Year Ago Today:
