More Behind (and this time I don't mean my ass)

You know what I got done yesterday? I washed dishes. That's about it. I didn't go anywhere. I didn't do anything on my list. The only reason I did dishes is because we had run out of cereal bowls. So this sets me back, oh� maybe� an eternity!

My damn dog is digging a hole in the flower bed. The ground is frozen solid, but she's out there digging away like it's just an extra challenge. Stupid huskies. Maybe if she works at it enough, I won't have to cut her nails. More likely, I'm going to have to cut her nails anyway, and now they will have mud in them. Lovely.

I'm sure I will be in a lovely mood all day today. Though I'm actually feeling better cold-wise than I was yesterday, I'm more tired than words can describe. I tried to go to bed last night at a reasonable hour. I was pooped, and I thought with a couple squirts of nose spray, I'd be out like a light. Wrong! I lay there, feeling the drainage pooling in my lungs and coughing it up only to repeat the cycle. Tired or not, I couldn't sleep, so I read. I read the book I bought to read on the plane. Now I have to buy another book. Then J came home, and I felt even less close to sleep. I tried some more, but I finally gave in to the phlegm and got up to make myself some soup.

I tried to sleep propped up on the couch, which worked fairly well. The only problem was it was after 4 AM. I slept fitfully. J got up at 6:30 and proceeded to bug me about going to lie down in the bed, no matter how many times I protested. Then he would ask me questions or tell me something. He was trying really hard to be nice, but damn it, he wouldn't shut up. I got a few minutes of peace while he showered, then the kids were up. Sleep over. I'm surprised I feel as good as I do right now. Must be the zinc.

Despite the cold and being behind on everything, I'm still quite excited to be going to Nebraska and seeing my family and best friend. It's going to be tough only having two whole days (half day, whole day, half day), but it's better than nothing. I've missed them an awful lot this year.

I'm not really homesick, but I wasn't homesick when I visited in the summer until I got there. It's something about being there that brings out that sense of loss. One evening, as I watched the sun set in that great big sky, letting night take over the expansive landscape, I missed home. The vastness of what was once prairie land brings me a sense of comfort and familiarity that I'm afraid I'll never have here in Pittsburgh. Driving those fast, straight, wide-open roads, where I can think about more than where to make the next turn or how to handle traffic, feels like home. I know where everything is. I could still give directions to anyone and did while I was there. I could run down to visit my grandma. I could get together with friends. All that is my history is tied up in that place, and leaving it this summer felt like leaving a part of myself for the first time since I moved away.

All that familiarity has baggage though. I was unable to control my relationships or myself. Knowing something well can bring complacence and stagnation, and it did exactly that for me. I wrapped myself firmly in the comfort of knowing how things worked, no matter that they weren't working properly. It was the ineffectiveness, the dependence that felt comfortable in the first place.

I don't believe in running away from problems. There is a difference between running away and removing yourself. I needed to fully extricate myself from that life to escape it. It was like an abusive relationship with myself. If I ran away from that, I would only reestablish it in my new home. I haven't done that. I'm stronger now.

That's why I miss my home, but I don't want to go back there. For all the joy and love I have in being there, I don't feel I would be able to maintain control of my life if I were to live there again. At a distance, I'm better able to detach myself from the raw emotion of the relationships I have. I see more clearly. I handle things better. I don't piss everyone off so much. And I appreciate them all a whole lot more. Maybe in time, I will grow strong enough to be close in proximity and in heart, but at this point, I don't see myself ever going back for good.