I am incredibly lazy about this anymore. Writing has taken a back seat to exercise now. With work being insanely busy and stressful, I don't have as much time on my hands. I choose to work toward my goal of getting in shape and treating myself better rather than whining so much. I'm sure that's for the best.
I'm not quitting this though. Not that it's worth much, but it did help get me through the roughest spots of my life. I feel remiss not using it during the better times, if for nothing else but to prove things can and do get better.
I have been hard at work. My job is draining the life from me and creating an incredible amount of stress, but that kind of work isn't the kind I want to do; it's the kind I must do. I guess the other kind is something I must do too, though I have a whole lot more choice in the matter. More often than not, I have chosen not to do it, which is why I'm fat and had to go on blood pressure medication last month.
I didn't gain all the weight back that I lost during my separation, so all was not wasted. Just most of it. It wasn't lost the proper way anyway, and I didn't learn a darn thing from it. I believe life puts challenges before me because those are the things I need to learn. I didn't learn anything from losing a ton of weight by being depressed and not eating. If I had, I wouldn't have gained most of it back, right?
This year has been different for me. I started off with the usual zeal at New Year's. I was running faithfully for two months until I realized a friend's wedding was the same weekend as the half marathon I planned to run. It was a big blow, and I quit running for the next two months.
As the date of the half marathon passed, it hit me that I was unbelievably stupid for quitting. Mid-May, I started running again. I was doing great and having a personal best day on July 1st when I stepped off the curb to get out of the way of traffic and chipped a bone in my ankle. I was sidelined for 4-6 weeks. Despite my plans to do anything not involving my ankle, I didn't do a darn thing.
I got the all-clear from the ortho at the 4 week point. He said I could do as much as I could tolerate pain-wise, including running. Of course, I got right on the treadmill, but running was out of the question. I walked for a week, tried to run a tad and felt miserable. The first full week of August I spent sitting on my buns again, except for the ton of work I did for Booie's last big family birthday party.
When that was all over, I got right back to it. I decided if walking was all I could tolerate, then I would walk as fast and/or at the highest incline as I could. I managed to walk up to 5 mph for short periods. If that got to be too much, I slowed it down and cranked the incline up to 12-15%. I'd try running every so often, but then I'd limp for two days afterward, so I put that on the shelf for a while.
I started doing weights again too. I was really hesitant, because it seemed like every time I did strength training, I didn't lose weight. But the more I read, the more I realized weight training was even more important than running. And even though I do seem to build muscle better than most women, I wasn't going to turn into a she-hulk without trying really, really hard.
It's an insult to serious bodybuilders to think I could bulk up easily, which is true for everyone; women and men alike. It's mostly women that worry about getting big, but it's just not possible. From a great article by Tony Gentilcore, CSCS, CPT, that originally appeared on T-nation:
And let's be honest, most people (men and women) won't work hard enough to get "big and bulky" in the first place. It's hard enough for a man to put on any significant amount of muscle, let alone a woman.
and:
Yes, Victoria's Secret models are doing squats and deadlifts. And yes, that's completely hot. Guess what they're not doing? Watching Oprah every day while walking on the treadmill for 60 minutes.
After looking at a few photos and videos on the CrossFit site of women lifting some seriously heavy weight and looking fantastic, I was converted to the Church of Iron, or in my case right now, mostly bodyweight, because there's a heckuva lot of that on me right now.
I am by no means a meathead now. I lift three times a week, and I do cardio 5-6 days a week, because I still haven't given up the notion of running a half marathon.
After about a month of hard work, I still wasn't seeing results on the scale, and it was really irritating me. It was time to take an honest look at my diet. To put it plainly, I was eating crap, and a lot of it.
I have always been highly resistant to tracking what I eat or seriously changing my eating habits. This directly correlated with my lack of results in the weight loss department. I knew it, but I just wasn't admitting it, thinking I really could defy nature and just work hard enough. The simple fact remained, if I fed myself junk, the result was, for the most part, junk.
Someone on Traineo linked to Bunklers.com, and that made a huge impression on me. This woman is crazy-fit and hates every minute of training and eating right. She puts it plainly:
If you think eating plain chicken or tuna doesn't taste as good as a double cheeseburger, you are RIGHT. And it NEVER will taste as great, NEVER!!! It ALL comes down to daily choices, which will it be? all the delicious foods you desire or a body you are happy with? I personally know I can't have both.
That, combined with some brutal truths from some other Traineo members that you are always in control of what you do and don't do, what you eat and don't eat, turned me in the right direction.
Probably the strangest thing of all that set me on the right path was a particularly horrible day at work when I came home and cried. My job is not what I want to do with my life, but I haven't been doing anything to change. Unlike Ms. Chicken Tuna, I actually do really like working out, and I have long hoped to have a career in fitness. Going back to school has been unattainable for me though, so I just gave up on the whole idea. That rotten day at work jolted me awake to the fact that I can do something to work toward my goal. I can take care of myself and become a model of what I want to do for others.
Since then, I have worked out at least 6 days a week, and I started feeding myself healthful food. I track what I eat, and I strive for balance between exercise and food. I'm making sure to get enough protein and watch my sodium. In the past month since I woke up, I've lost 8 pounds. I look better and feel better. I feel like I really have a purpose now.
I also started running again, and I'm doing better than ever with that. I am so excited about what's ahead for me. Some days are still so tough. I put off working out and end up doing it late. I crave cookies and french fries and sometimes give in. I constantly have to remind myself of my end goal. I also remember that one bad thing is not a trend.
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One Year Ago Today:
