I entered some older entries yesterday, particulary the ones from when he went out with Rhonda, and I think it's best if I just not say anything. I'll save it for Saturday and give myself time to reflect some more.
I have been denying a lot things too, like how completely unresponsive he's become. I'm busting my ass for someone who doesn't care. Logic says there is no point. Somewhere inside, he loves me, but it's not the kind of love that creates respect, compassion, and affection. Maybe he will find that. I don't know, and I don't weigh heavily in his considerations right now. I'm not re-donning the cloak of bitterness by saying these things. I'm actually considering what he's been saying the past few weeks.
I still regret how I behaved. That hasn't changed. I have been petulant and irrational. I have not handled many things well. I'm just done begging and pleading. I hope I am anyway. Things change every moment. But I do feel I'm moving closer to accepting it's his move right now and that I'm putting a lot of effort forth to be treated with callousness.
He has the opportunity to experience a more confident me. I'm finally growing in all the ways he hoped. I'm getting healthier, thinner, and better looking, and he may miss al lof it. It's so sad for both of us.
3:12 p.m. - The Pattern of Fools
Did it dawn on me to research how to handle this situation? Not until today. Because even while I write how I'm trying not to be impulsive and let my emotions control me, I'm being impulsive and letting my emotions control me. Why doesn't anyone point this out to me? I suppose it's for the same reason people don't say a lot of things--I wouldn't have listened. Though I think I may have considered it from an impartial party. Who knows? I'm still learning.
So what did I learn from it? I am doing everything possible to push John further away by being completely reactive and self-absorbed. Yes, it's normal, but it still doesn't help, and no matter how normal it is, it's still going to drive John further away. My dad did tell me yesterday to not make John feel guilty, and that's part of the reason I started thinking a bit differently last night. Since then, I'm more open to all the messages coming at me, telling me to calm down and let go. I can't control anything but me, and I need to stop trying.
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One Year Ago Today:
