I've been thinking about this alot, and while I don't think my reaction to John spending five hours alone with Rhonda was extreme, I wonder if maybe I weren't so against him being friends, he might be more responsive. Or maybe I'm just being desperate. I'm still not really sure. He's admitted unresolved feelings and a need to figure them out, so that is definitely a danger. But he also asked that I accept a friendship and that it was clear he had boundaries. I suspect it's too late now. He's already attached himself to the idea of being alone and exploring his feelings for her anyway. He's doing everything on impulse, even though he claims he's been thinking about it non-stop for weeks, months, and even years. Meanwhile, he didn't let me know a thing.

He's said many times now that Rhonda is not the cause of all of this. I know she isn't, but her entry in the equation has exacerbated the situation. She further confused things, and rather than trying to simplify, John wants to invite her in. He can't figure himself out and then establish a friendship. He has to do it all at once. Patience and good judgement have been abandoned for feelings. He ignores all else and bases everything on how he feels.

I don't like that he's willing to sacrifice me and his children to his feelings and to a stale fantasy. He can't give me any time or give himself time. A lot has changed these past few weeks, but he only sees the changes as nuisances getting in the way of his dream. I deserve so much more than he's giving, and it's not about how he's treated me over the years. It's about giving me the opportunity to show my changes can be conducive to a better relationhsihp between us. Even if I really don't deserve it, his kids do.

I truly believe I could accept a friendship between him and Rhonda. I have considered it sooner than I thought. Sometimes I wonder if that would be what he needed, but I doubt this is a good time. He is confused and vulnerable right now. It is so not the time to be making big decisions. Despite being "lost", he feels capable of turning his and everyone else's lives upside down. If Rhonda knew what was good for her, she would stay completely away from him for now. It's just not the time for it.

I really wish I had met her. I don't think she's bad or out to take my husband away. This has nothing to do with her personally. In fact, I suspect I would like her quite a bit. But I doubt I'll get the chance now. I've though about asking John if we could all get together, but I don't know how to bring it up or even if it's a very good idea at this point. If only I had just kept quiet about the whole thing and suggested we do that.
So many "if onlys".

It's hard to think. I'm the more rational one right now (something I didn't see myself saying), bu ti'm still flooded with feelings. I've been more impulsive than is good, and I'm trying to control that. With his departure hanging over me, I feel pressured to do something quick though. Still a little bargaining going on but some acceptance too.

I'm not getting much sleep. That makes it hard to function and think. I'm more susceptible to giving into the many emotions that sweep through me. Everything is harder without rest. My mind races so much though, constantly analyzing and searching for ways to fix everything. And my heart just aches. It pounds and races and flutters and literally aches from the pain.

John is at band practice and won't want to talk at all when he gets home. I would really like to ask him how accepting Rhonda would change things for him. I don't know though. I'm at a point where nothing makes sense.

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One Year Ago Today: