I had a severe bargaining stage with John, pleading with him not to leave and to give us a chance since Monday afternoon. It's starting to wane, though I still find myself contemplating ways to keep him here and try to make him fall in love with me again. I even tossed around the idea of giving him the OK to the Rhonda friendship, but didn't bring it up with him. I need guidance on that one, so I'll bring it up Saturday. There is way too much to talk about that day. I find myself putting off a lot of subjects until then. I'm not completely over trying to find a compromise that will keep him here, and I won't fully move on until that day. We agreed that is the official deadline.
Even though I still have a little hope left, I'm coming to accept he will probably move out on Saturday. He insists it's what he needs, and there doesn't seem to be any way to convince him he can figure himself out here. I've done too much to make him give me another chance. I pushed too far and figured it out too late. I don't know if I can ever forgive myself for that. As it stands, I screwed up so bad that I drove him away. He doesn't trust me. He can't find it in himself to try again. It's all too late, and I was too stupid to listen to his warnings. Of al lthe mistakes in my life, this is the greatest one, over marrying X, over dropping out of school and losing my scholarship. This is the one that will haunt me until I die if he never comes back, and even if he does, I will still regret it for all the damage and pain it caused him and us and this family. No amount of apologizing works. No amount of chnage after the fact is enough. Just when I get my act together, I have already made an irreversible, horrible error. Even with the kids, sometimes I wish God would just strike me dead. I try not to hate myself for this, but it does get to me. I want to say I wish someone told me, but someone did--John, himself. And now I'm paying a terrible price, maybe the worst price to pay--he wants to leave, possibly forever.
So do I sound depressed? That's what comes after bargaining, though I think I've had depression throughout. I'll have some depression forever, I think.
As for acceptance, there are smidges of it, especially todya. I haven't had a big cry today like I have every day for at least a week, maybe more. That seems like progress. I didn't mope all day, though I still didn't get much done. I did make dinner, but it was so horrible that John could leave me over that. He went out and picked up dinner for everyone, which was nice. He was really nice about it too, which he has been about a lot of things like that. Guilt, I guess. It's confusing and painful for me to have him be so nice. I actually think he does it because he's so happy to be getting out of here rather than from guilt, but I don't ask. I try to just appreciate what I get and don't ask for much of anything. Partly, I don't want to push him anymore and partly because I'm preparing for him being gone and not here to do anything at all.
I still feel really alone. My mom has been good about sending notes every day in email. Kay is on vacation in California. MIL offered to listen but didn't respond to the last email I sent. I didn't criticize John or anything, just said I love him, I hurt, and I am responsible too. Maybe she realized she can't be there for me at all and be there for him too. So it's just me and my family's prayers holding me up. Even my posts to my message boards got no response. I'll probably look into some support groups. Another question for Saturday.
John was sure to say his leaving did not mean for sure he wasn't coming back. He didn't try to force the "maybe it is over" line on me again. I'm trying not to make any more of than than it is. He also talked about taking care of me and the kids no matter what and that he would still adopt Hammy regardless. It hurts so much to hear him plan for our future apart. I really worked hard to listen without butting in or trying to change his mind or sobbing, though I wasn't so good at the last one. It took a while to get myself to that though as I was working hard to convince him to stay before that point. He seemed a little better then, probably glad I wasn't fighting it anymore. I hate that. But it was easier at the time, and I do need to listen more.
I feel I just need to plan for his departure Saturday. No amount of planning will make it easy, but I think holding out any hope he will stay is setting myself up for more pain.
---------------------------------------------
One Year Ago Today:
