I'm pretty sure John is going to leave me. I asked him to reconsider yesterday, and he said he would, but it just seems like even if he chooses to stay, it's delaying the inevitable. He wants to be alone. That's what he keeps saying over and over. I'm trying to show him we can be good together. I have to try, or I will always wonder what i might have been able to do. Now I know I've done my best--tried all I can. It doesn't look like it will be enough. The worst thing in the world might be feeling like you were meant for someone who wasn't meant for you.

I don't think I will ever be able to trust anyone again. I trusted him so completely. I gave everything to him.

6:07 p.m. - Bad at Everything

Hammy came in when I was crying. That's the second time he's caught me, though I'm sure he's heard it more than twice. It happens a lot--nearly every day, often more than once a day. I can't help it. I get so overwhelmed.

John still kisses me when he leaves and comes home and when he goes to bed. I don't understand it. It is so wonderful and horrible at the same time. I hate to even hope that it means anything, but I do. I feel like I just set myself up to hurt more. I don't know why he does it at all.

I told him we have to talk tonight. I'm afraid he thinks we'll do it later, but I need to do it soon and get this over with. Then he can talk to the kids if necessary and go. I think he wants to stay until he can move directly into an apartment, but I can't take that. If he's going to leave, I need him to do it. So it may be tonight. I still hope not, but that's only my own wish, not based on anything he's given.

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One Year Ago Today: