I had the worst night of my life last night. I really hope there aren't worse yet, but I am not in control right now. In the end, John decides if he stays or goes. He was going to go tonight. I insisted that if he was going to leave anyway, then I needed him to do it. But I tried again to convince him to stay and give us another chance. He still wasn't sure, but he was going to consider it. he had to go to his mom's anyway and was going to talk to his brother for a while. Hopefully it helped. I don't know yet, since he hasn't talked to me. I hope he does a little.

I told him I could give him space. I asked him to read the book and do the assignments, and he agreed to do that no matter what. I also asked that he go to individual therapy again. I thought we couldn't afford it, but he said we could. If he can afford an apartment, I guess so. Most of all, I ask that he forgive me for how I've hurt him and the threats I made to leave so many times. I hope he can and can also try to make our relationship work, even just a little.

I do believe we can be happy together. I think he used to believe that too. He seems to have forgotten all that was good between us. I want to help him find that again.

He asked me what if he's happier alone. He's been throwing out a lot of "what ifs"--all of them bad for us. He said he needs to be alone to see if that's what he needs. I said he needs to be together with me doing better to see if that's what he needs. He will never know if he goes off by himself. He may be happier alone than he was with how it was between us. But he can't know if he could be happy with me now if he doesn't try.

---------------------------------------------

One Year Ago Today: