It hasn't been easy. Writing seemed to exacerbate my bad feelings, so I quit for a while. I got tired of repeating myself too. Saying how helpless I feel a million times doesn't change it. I feel helpless because I am.

The past couple days weren't as terrible, but I wasn't home alone to dwell on it. John is still uncommunicative and withdraws a lot, but when he does interact, he seems pretty good. I try not to guess what that means. I'm doing my best to let it be and let him be. I'm very afraid of doing something to upset him more, but every so often, I need to talk. I'm going to try again tonight. I need a status update before I go into another week of days by myself with my thoughts. I want to try to keep this "not terrible" streak going. I was going to set a deadline time, so he knows I won't keep him up late, nad I'm going to write down some specific concerns that should help me stay on track.

One thing I doubt I'll touch tonight is what marriage means to each of us. I believe we can make this work, and I want to stick to my commitment to spend my life with him. I want to do that. I still believe marriage is that kind of commitment, and I am dedicated to that. He said that there is no way either of us can define it that way when we've both been divorced. He can't say marriage is forever. He is having fear of commitment eleven and a half years too late. He is leaving this option of "maybe he's just meant to be alone" open, though I don't believe for one second he would be alone for very long before he decided it's not for him. I think he really just feels like he missed out on being single and wants to make up for it. Mid-life crisis or whatever you want to call it; that's what I believe is oging on, and he's considering breaking my heart and tearing his family apart for it. He doesn't feel he made any promises when he married me, but he did. I have many cards and even our wedding vows to prove that. He won't admit he would be breaking his promise and not honoring his commitment. I think he is just trying to make it easier on himself to choose ot leave.

I need to get on another subject, or I will only want to talk about that, and I'm not ready to get crushed in that way again. I need to talk about things that make me feel he is still willing to work on this and work on himself. I will save the marriage issue for counseling.

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One Year Ago Today: