Frustration, Success, Frustration

I'm not running anything for the marathon this year. I thought I'd do a relay, but I haven't heard from my partner in ages, not that I've contacted her either, and I haven't been training at all. I would have to run five to eight miles, and there is no way I'd be up for that. I know my partner had a sprained ankle a couple months ago, and I know she wasn't training for a long time either. I doubt she's up for it as well.

For a while, I thought I'd run the 5K instead. I figured I could handle that, but now I'm not so sure. In fact, I just decided this weekend that I'm not doing it. John will be playing with the band for the marathon, and it's one of his few last gigs, so I'd kind of like to be there instead of running. I know I could manage to do a 5K at least, but I'll just run a relay or the whole damn thing next year and go see my hubby this year.

I am disappointed in myself. I haven't been training at all. Hell, I haven't even been exercising. Last week, I got in two days of yoga, and that was it. Yoga isn't even that hard to manage, but I didn't do it more than two days. I didn't Tae-Bo, and I certainly haven't run. I know it's been over a month since I last ran. Not only am I disappointed that I haven't been exercising like I wanted, but also because I haven't called or emailed my training partner. That's what partners are supposed to do after all. They call each other when one gets down, and I failed in that. I feel like a real schmuck.

She isn't the only one I've failed to contact lately. My mom called over the weekend, because she hasn't heard from me since at least a week before Easter. She jokingly asked if we were all still alive, but I could tell she was hurt. I told her that no, we haven't had anything special keeping us busy. Everyone has been reasonably well. I did mention I've been feeling down, and I even admitted I was a little homesick lately. She didn't really acknowledge that past and "oh." I'm not sure if that meant she didn't want to touch that issue or that it wasn't a good enough reason not to call or email my mother for a month. I didn't press it.

I haven't called my best friend in Nebraska either. I think that has something to do with the homesickness. I didn't want to believe that's what I was feeling, but I realized a few days ago that that's exactly what it is. It's not so much the location as it is the friends and the networks and the familiarity I had back at home. I've been feeling a bit lonely here lately, a lot of that by my own doing, but it's lonely nonetheless. I haven't talked to my brother or my grandma or anyone back there. It's faulty logic, sure, but I know my loneliness is a big reason why. I get this squirmy feeling whenever I think about calling one of them, because hanging up makes me miss them even more. One day, I wished I could move back. I didn't think I would ever feel like that, but I do.

The biggest reason I'm lonely and homesick though is I haven't built up any real friendships here. I've lived here four years now, and I only have some loose friends. I haven't built up any of those relationships. I've been absolutely terrible at keeping in touch with anyone at all. I don't call people. I don't ask people to do things. I don't invite people to dinner.

Part of me wants to blame it on my relationship problems with John. Now that he and I are doing better, this friendship problem has come to the forefront. I didn't really pay attention to it before, because I was so consumed with my marriage. I've also let John rub off on me. He isn't one to nurture friendships himself. He's been sort of a loner all his life. He has friends. He just doesn't do things with friends the way most people do. Not only does he not call, ask them to do things, or invite them to dinner; he doesn't even think to do it. I, on the other hand, do think about it. I just don't do it.

There are other reasons I don't do the things that need done to make friends. My confidence level is a big reason. I don't think anyone will really like me if they know me well. I convinced myself that most people are pretty well entrenched in their friendships and don't need someone new, that I'm an outsider. The combination of interests I have is not all that common in other women. I'm often unreliable and unpredictable too. I let things deteriorate until it gets to the point when I'm ready to make an effort, I fear it's too late. I convince myself not to even try.

I didn't used to be like this. I'm so different now than I once was. It's not like I woke up one day and suddenly became this sad, lonely introvert. It was a process that took many years, but I did just realize it. I still thought of myself as the friendly, outgoing, loyal person that everyone could trust. When people treated me otherwise, I didn't think it was because I brought it upon myself. I thought it was because I was unfairly judged. I played the victim rather than taking responsibility for what I've become. Now, I have to figure out how to not dislike myself so much. I'm currently in the phase of having noticed what a rotten person I am and getting over thinking of myself as thoroughly despicable.

And that's really what's important in all this--what I think of myself. It's not like I thought I was the shit before. That's pretty clear. I was probably focusing on the wrong flaws all this time though. While I've worried about what a fat, lazy, slob housewife I am, I've become a generally crummy person. Because really, who cares what a person's house looks like if you like her? There are people a lot fatter than me who probably have as many friends as extra pounds. The laziness� well the laziness has infiltrated my relationships. That's not so good.

I can't believe I went from talking about running a marathon relay to talking about what a rotten person I am. That is not the way I planned to have this go. So enough depressing self-revelations. I shall move on to the "success" part of this. I think I need to inject a little positivity (the dictionary just told me that's not a word, but it sounds right to me) in here.