What Was Lost

The other day, when I was looking for my very favoritist shorts, I asked Hammy, "Have you seen a pair of bigass, green shorts in your drawer that I might have put there by accident?" His answer between giggling over my saying bigass in conversation with him, "No."

I was getting desperate in my search for the very favoritist shorts. I thought just maybe I put them in with Hammy's clothes while folding and sorting and all that other stuff a person does while doing laundry. I knew there was no way they'd be in Booie's clothes, because my clothes are somewhere around four times as big as the clothes for her skinny butt, and there is absolutely no chance I could be confused. Hammy is certainly not big either, but if things are folded, it can be easy to mix up. Or, it might have been one of the three times all of last year John did laundry, and he is notorious for putting my clothes with Hammy's. I never, ever have socks after John does laundry, because he puts them all in Ham's room. His favors are such a pain in my ass that it's easier to do it myself.

I finally did give up the hunt for the very favoritist shorts and bought some at the store. They were the same style, but none were in green. They still had the khaki, but I own a pair of those already. They had another style in green that was cut a little shorter and exposed way too much bulge for me to leave the house while wearing. I ended up getting black. I should have been happy when I had to get a size smaller, but when the size 14 khaki at home still fits me, I'm not going to get too happy over the size 12 black in the store fitting. I'm not smaller. I know that, no matter what the damn tag says.

I haven't had a chance to wear the new shorts, because it's been too damn cold. We're setting record low temps and record low max temps, and there is frost on the ground and our furnace running every single morning. I'm getting ready to put on my shorts, suffer the goosebumps and show up on Mother Nature's doorstep to kick her flowery ass. I want the seasonal weather in the order it's supposed to occur, dammit. My gas bill for May shouldn't be more than fifteen bucks, but noOOOooo� it has to fucking freeze in May. Stupid weather.

Because I couldn't wear the new shorts, I thought there was no way I would ever find the very favoritist shorts. I figured I would have to wear the new shorts, rendering them unreturnable, before the old shorts would turn up, if they would turn up. I really wanted the old shorts before vacation, because what's a vacation without your very favoritist shorts? That's not a vacation at all! I knew wearing the new shorts around the house wouldn't be enough. I'd have to wear them out, go shopping, maybe even slop some food on them like I'm known to do when I eat. The cold was preventing that, because I hate being cold, and I wasn't about to go freezing outside in the new shorts, even for my very favoritist shorts. I'd given up. I failed the quest.

This morning, I woke up to Hammy coming in my room, holding up a pair of bigass, green shorts. "Remember you were asking about big, green shorts in my drawer?" he said with a grin, knowing I'd give him the stinkeye if he repeated the word bigass back to me. He'd found them! They were in his shorts drawer! Who knows if it was because of me or John. I don't care. The shorts are found! As an added bonus, Hammy went to school beaming, knowing he made me a very happy person.

Now, I may not be skinny or look like I want, but at least I can feel better about myself, because I have my very favoritist shorts to wear. I have very few clothes that make me feel good, so that's why these were important to me. At least I won't feel like a manatee one day while I'm there.