A Productive Session

I had butterflies as I drove to pick John up at the bus stop. It was three weeks since our last counseling visit, and I was a little nervous. I never really know where each session will take us, and since I've been so sensitive, I was worried. As usual, I also feared judgment. What if we hadn't made satisfactory progress? Did we work hard enough? Will we be branded marriage slackers? These are all things that shouldn't have concerned me. She's a good counselor, and she's not going to label or scold us. But I was trying to burrow inside her head and read those thoughts she would not speak, even though doing so was a mere guess and only served to torture me.

My stomach reached fever pitch as we waited for the elevator, but when we entered the waiting room, I felt better. I noticed a new couch and chair that I found weren't meant for proper sitting. When you sat in them, you automatically went into a semi-reclined position. "Perfect for psychiatry," I thought. John and I chatted as we waited. We watched an elderly couple pass through and then another doctor, and I started to worry there was confusion about our appointment despite being called by the office to confirm earlier that day. It wasn't long that the doctor peeked through the door, smiling as she always does, and invited us back.

Right away she noticed we sat closer together. I never thought we sat far apart previous times, but I could feel John's leg against mine. It was easy and comfortable. She reminded us of the body language of which I'm always painfully aware every time we're there, and deemed this an improvement. I felt more relaxed and told her how we've been since the last visit.

We talked about the book we were asked to read. John is halfway through it now, but it was enough to cover the five languages and decide in which category each of us falls. We discussed our attempt to have more clear-cut boundaries in division of labor, time management, and use of "I" language. John didn't talk incessantly, so I was able to share more. I didn't tell her how emotional I've been, but John did say he was having a lot of upheaval himself. I think we are both experiencing a shift, and though good, it is trying. She asked us what we planned to do this week for our relationship, and we told her we would hammer out the details of chore and time management. We just have to keep from getting in an argument while doing so. We are to continue to work on our communication skills, and John will finish reading the book. She said if all couples could just incorporate the things in the book with good communication, there would be no need for counseling. She also admitted things don't always work so well. We'll be back next week.

I finally feel as though there might be an end to this. We were happy when we left, and I was full of hope. I haven't felt that way for a long time. Did we both just need someone to tell us what to do? Just like when I read the book and all the things John's been saying suddenly made sense, it appears we both needed someone to give us a proverbial thump on the head. Going to the counselor is like speaking through an interpreter in some ways, like having a referee in others. As we get closer to communicating more effectively, we will have a better relationship, a happier relationship. I already feel like I love John more.

Through all of this, I never stopped loving John. I might not have been expressing that very well, and sometimes the frustration eclipsed the love, but I always loved him. I think he's worth every ounce of effort I've put forth. He's a wonderful person. It's good to be able to see that again.