It would have taken a miracle to turn him today, and clearly all my prayers and my parents' prayers did not bring that. He is going to his mom's tomorrow. He has plans to get an apartment nearby on a short-term lease. He talked to the kids. He cleared his path, so this may be the last time I sleep with him. Two weeks ago may have been the last time we had sex. This may be the last day we share a home.

I hate knowing that all I want right now is leaving. Everything I thought my life would be. I want to be with him, but he doesn't want to be with me. It doesn't matter how much I understand everything, it still hurts like nothing else. I see all these things about him, have all these memories that make me smile, and I only feel like I love him. And I can't make him feel that way. He doesn't feel the urge to touch my leg in the car or linger when he kisses me or put his arm around me at night. Those may be all gone forever, and it's now that I want nothing else.

"I read somewhere that a thing that does not exist in relation to anything else cannot itself be said to exist."
-from Gilead by Marilynne Robinson

I'm just having one of those moments of grief where I miss it all and feel sorry for myself for not seeing what I had when I had it. I have been trying to appreciate more, the tiny things that show not all hope is gone, but the loss is so overwhelming. Even with the recent realizations and acceptance and focus on myself, there are still small avalanches that bury my heart in pain. I would rather lose my home and everything I owned than lost this person I love so much. There are even times of such intense sadness that I wish it would kill me. But eventually I come back form that, and I tell myself I will get through this, even if I often feel like a liar when I do. ONce in a while, I actually believe I'll be OK.

---------------------------------------------

One Year Ago Today: