All From the Cookie

So John and I are lying in bed last night. I was reading, he was sleeping beside me, until I woke him up to get off the blankets, so I could put them over me. How he could come out of a dead sleep and suddenly want to have sex is beyond me, but I was willing. Things began well enough, until�

He touched my fat.

I am covered in a layer of fat, but some places are more padded than others, and he's been warned against them. It's like pushing a self-conscious button on me, and I shut down. There is to be no touching of the flabby tummy area below the belly button. I can deal with him touching my cellulite-laden thighs or the sagging part of my upper arms. Both of those areas seem to be as fat as my tummy, but I can struggle through them being touched. I cannot deal with the tummy. I can't. The tummy is the off-switch for my libido. It's the big red button, point of no return, restricted area.

I' tried to overcome it. I laid there and grit my teeth and told myself he doesn't even care, so why should I?, but it doesn't work. My mind fixes on the pillowy pocket that is my tummy and doesn't let go. I hate that spot on my body with a fiery passion. It is my bodily nemesis. And there is no way I hate it more than when I'm lying down, especially on my side when it is at it's worst. I was lying on my side last night. He touched it when I was lying on my side. The man has no mercy.

I didn't want to get in a body image argument, so I slowed things down and told him I wasn't feeling like doing anything. Had I told him he touched the forbidden fat zone, he would have tried to convince me how silly I am and told me to get over it. He doesn't understand that it doesn't work that easily. I know it's silly to obsess over it, but I'm not thinking that in the midst of it. All I'm thinking is how revolting I am.

He gets the better end of the bargain in the end. He fell right back asleep, and I tormented myself and vowed never to eat again. That lasted until this morning when I ate the rest of the piece of chocolate cake I had after dinner last night. Some training diet, huh? It's no wonder I have this belly.