Well... where to begin? I wrote a little about this earlier today for documentation purposes. Even then, I had a hard time putting my stupidity in words. It even took a while to realize how thoroughly stupid I was. Had I thought about it more or listened to my instinct, I would feel a lot less compromised. Now I just feel like a weak, stupid idiot.

I made a mistake. In my desperation and loneliness, I sought comfort in the wrong place. I trusted my FIL when I shouldn't have. He was nice to me, giving me advice, being a shoulder to cry on, taking me out so I wouldn't have to be alone with the kids gone. I should have just went home after going to the jazz club, but I agreed to go watch a movie at his house. He was being nice, made me tea, asked how I was doing, hugged me, and kissed me on the top of the head. It started feeling weird to me, but I explained it away as someone being comforting, like a father. He would rub my arm, then my hip, and then did something John always used to do and lifted the back of my shirt to slip his hand under it and touch the small of my back. I never said anything, but I cried. I cried and held myself and withdrew into the shock and weakness I felt. I kept trying to explain it, make it not what I knew it was--inappropriate. He took advantage of my vulnerability, and I didn't draw the line like I should have.

In my defense, I did not return anything. I did withdraw as much as I could without sticking up for myself. I never held him, guarded myself, huddled. I just wish instead of crying and passively hiding as much as I could, I would have demanded he stop and take me home. I wish I would have called someone to get me or called a cab. Hell... I should have walked if I had to.

At risk of sounding like I'm defending him, I want to make it clear he did not kiss me but on top of the head. He did not try to touch me in any other way. I question what he would have done had I been a willing participant. Even though nothing really happened, it still wasn't right.

Once he was sleeping, I just let him, even though I really wanted to leave. I wanted to leave from the moment I got there really, but I didn't listen to myself. I wanted to believe he was just being nice. Now I feel ashamed and stupid.

I told John. I didn't give him all the details, just as I haven't written all the details here, but I did write them elsewhere. I told him I can't be around his dad, and that his dad was inappropriate with me. He asked what inappropriate meants, and I gave him the example of the shirt. John said he doubted his dad would say anything. I'm not sure why he brought that up, maybe because I said I thought it was important he heard it from me. I thought he should know, but I also wanted to protect myself so things wouldn't get any further out of hand.

Counseling will be interesting this week. With my regression on Thursday with John and then my awful judgement and inability to stick up for myself last night, an hour won't be enough. I do need to work on myself more than anything. I am obviously in no shape to work on this marriage. I need help.

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One Year Ago Today: