John actually called me, not until after I sent a text message to his brother asking if they made it home OK, but he did call. He came by earlier to get his phone, and I was having a really horrible day. Having him here hit me hard, and I broke down. He had to leave because BIL was with him, but he said he would call later. I'm not going to question if it was spurred by me or not.

It was hard to talk at first. I'm so afraid of pushing him further away, but I remembered what his mom said about having a right to say things. I don't even know where I started, but I tried to avoid blaming and to use "I language." I asked him to reconsider reconciling, to at least try a little bit to work on us. He wants something solid, a frame on what that means. He agreed to talk about it some more. I feel like he really listened and considered many of the things I said. I really want to believe this is a step toward making us better, but it seems things change so much. Maybe though.

One of the things he really wants is to see me do more, not for him though, for me. He wants me to hav goals and dreams and pursue something. I did want that, but I told him many things were halted when my life was turned upside-down. I can't go to school now. I have too much put upon me to do much more than get through the day, so it's hard to show progress. And if he isn't here, he can't see what I am doing. I still want the individual goals I wanted before. I just have to get through all this other stuff.

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One Year Ago Today: