Finally got the Rebuilding book.

Feeling really sick this morning. John's mom said she'd talk to him last night when he went over to do laundry. She didn't email me, and I see that as a bad sign. John said in email yesterday he couldn't give up his individual counseling session for a couple's mediation (not that I asked) because he was having a hard time. At this point, he has a hard time when he knows he has to hurt me. I haven't heard from him today either. All of that, along with everything else says to me he is done, made up his mind.

I'm not having a good day. I see the counselor today too, but I didn't tell him. I don't want to run into him there. In ways, I don't even want to go. She's pretty much decided this is over too, and that's hard to face. She says that's denial on my part, and maybe she's right. She may know more than she's able to tell, since she's seeing him too (something we all agreed to do). She recommended the book in the first place. I looked at the bookstore and couldn't find it, but they gave me a copy to borrow at support group last night, so I'm going to start working on that. It's certainly not going to hurt anything, and if John is gone for good, like I'm feeling he is, I'll be on my way to my new life.

I finally went to the support group. I was hesitant, because it was a way of admitting it's over, and I wasn't ready. I'm still not exactly ready, but the group is definitely helpful. I barely kept myself from crying through the whole thing, and I hadn't even been crying that much lately. At the end, the leader asked if I was OK, and of course, that set me off. I lost it and sobbed with a group of people I just met. But that group of people all knew exactly what I was feeling, and they gathered around me and hugged me, offered me tissues, asked questions, and supported me in ways I've been needing for a long time. I'm glad I went, even though it's bittersweet. I look forward to the next time.

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One Year Ago Today: