I just wasn't meant to sleep. I'm exhausted, but I can't go to sleep. I'm too anxious about my future--from what is going to happen tomorrow with the email and when he comes over in the evening, to what is going to happen long-term. It would be so nice to be able to let go, but it just doesn't work that way.
I'm sexually frustrated too, and that doesn't help either. I have this new body and nothing to do with it. I was so ready to begin exploring all kinds of things, and now I can't. I was really excited about it too. I wanted to do so much more, was willing and wanted to do so many of the things he's asked me to do for years. I liked doing things I didn't do before or didn't do often. I don't want to do things with just anyone either, but I also don't like being put on hold. All this energy is going to waste, and it makes me angry with him. It also hurts to be rejected with our sex life had improved. I know sex doesn't make a relationship, but I would think my newfound confidence would have made him more hesitant than he was. I wanted him more than ever. I like taking better care of myself. I hate that it's all being wasted.
7:55 p.m. - I Hate Him
He isn't who I thought he was. He claims he's still the same person, but he isn't. The man I married had honor and integrity. He would not leave his wife and children for his own selfish reasons, to go live the single life he never had and feels entitled to. He sent a message today that all but said it's over. He's not a good person. He's a fraud that took thirteen years of my life. He lied to me. He's irresponsible and doesn't care about anyone but himself.
I am going to continue to lose weight and tone up. I am going to have a better body than he ever got. He will regret throwing me away.
11:15 p.m. - An Angry Spell
Sometimes everything just gets to be too much. I really do just have to look at myself more. I think I'm getting there. It's really hard sometimes. My head hurts more when I'm angry. I've spent too much of my life with my head hurting.
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One Year Ago Today:
