Today went better than I thought it would. John took the kids, and I was worried about how it would be for me to spend more time alone. I went grocery shopping and a little other shopping. Then I was home for about three and a half hours. I worked on a crossword, vacuumed, and watched the race, and I was OK. I was kind of lonely watching the race by myself, but there's only one race left. Wish I knew someone else who likes Nascar to watch it with me, but I'll manage, just like I did today.

I ate three "meals" today, which is really good considering the last week. I even ate protein each time. It's so hard to believe I used to eat so much and not feel full. I had snacks way bigger than the meals I ate today.

My weight is officially in the 170s, at 177 for my weigh-in. That's another three pounds lost for about three weeks in a row. I was glad it wasn't more, and I feel I'm not being too unhealthy. My body fat was finally below 30% at 28%. I lost an inch from each of my big measurements in the past two weeks too. No wonder I need pants!

I hope feeling better about myself extends into tomorrow. Weekdays are tough, but maybe that is changing. I'm feeling angrier now, and that actually does keep me from getting so down. I can't count on any emotion lasting right now, but I am more hopeful about getting through this. I have almost no hope left of John coming home.

10:46 p.m. - Stringing Tolerable Days Together

I did fairly well today. I had some anxiety because of some email I sent and received from John. I'm still unsure if I should have said all I did, but it's done, and there's nothing for it. He didn't respond yet. It was late in the afternoon, and I doubt he had time to think or address what I said appropriately. We'll see tomorrow.

I got dressed to work out, but I didn't do it. I was dead tired this morning, spent most of the afternoon writing and rewriting my message and debating whether to send it, and had all the duties of the family in the evening. The tiredness returned in force before Booie was even in bed, and I struggled mightily to watch the rest of the Penguin game. I really hope tomorrow will be better. I think it will be. I should be able to get more sleep.

I feel such a need to move on, but I don't know what to do. There is still that whisper of denial in me too, that says if I do move on, I'm giving up. I don't know. I think I am getting to where I know a little more, but there is still so much confusion and instabillity. I haven't done all I can do though, like go to the support gropu or check into mountain bike rides. So I suppose I could start with those. I feel my power and confidence trickling back in, so I think that is why I've been doing better and wanthing to get going in some ways.

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One Year Ago Today: