Tis the season to be guilty

It's that time of year when I get really annoyed that the whole family has to compensate for those that don't know what birth control is. This comes up every so often throughout the year, but it is now, the holidays, when it increases geometrically. It is now when I must buy gifts for every child in both John's and my families.

I'm going to rant for a little bit (ok, a lot) here. I am so very aware that life is unfair. That is what makes my bloated sense of fairness that much more cruel. I can remember wanting everything to be fair from a very early age. I didn't have to have everything exactly the same, but some sort of balance was necessary for me, and I didn't want to have to wait for it. I never subscribed to the belief that if you do something good, it would eventually come back to you. If one side of the scale was tipped, I was going to make sure it was put right again.

I can't say my parents catered to this. In fact, I heard, "Life's not fair," from them more than anywhere else. They never bent over backwards to make sure everything between my brother and me was fair. It seemed they wanted me to learn very early that sometimes you're going to feel like you just got screwed, and maybe you did just get screwed, though they would never in a million years use the term "screwed."

Maybe my own innate sense of fairness, combined with seeing my parents get screwed and getting screwed myself on occasion just intensified my obsession. Unless you're talking about my brother getting in trouble for something I did. Then I would just tell him how unfair life is and take pride in getting away with another one. It's no wonder my brother hated me so much.

He's getting me back now. Not only is he getting me back but John's brother is getting me back for him too. It's funny how life really does turn out to be fair in the least expected ways. But right now, in this moment, it's terribly unfair, and I don't like it. I don't like the fact that I have to go broke this time every damn year because I have ten nieces and nephews to buy presents for.

Let's do some math. I have two kids. BIL has four kids. Brother has six kids. Now it seems we are running under the assumption that at least $20 is to be spent on each kid. That puts me over $200. That puts BIL with at least $40 and Brother with at least $40. Even if you add their two together, they still aren't spending half what I spend! I wonder if they ever think about this. Of course, they both think we're rich, so it probably doesn't matter to them.

So here I have $200 spent just on nieces and nephews. Then there's my sister and mom and dad. That's three more people. Thank God John's family doesn't want to exchange gifts among adults, so that saves a helluva lot of money! But there are four other kids in the family. That puts us at a minimum of $340. Then my sister has a birthday on New Year's Eve, so there's another $30, bringing the total up to at least $370. Add teachers, babysitters, newspaper delivery (who very much deserves a big, fat tip), we're definitely over $400. And don't forget my own kids and John and myself. I think it's silly to even think we're only going to spend $20-$30 on each other, so let's just add a nice (but really conservative) even number of $100 each. Well, gosh! That's only $700. That's not even up to a thousand yet! Until you add in a tree and gift wrap and bows and baking supplies and postage to mail all those cards to people you only contact once a year and and the cards of course and stupid, &(*^%#* lights because someone (that would be me) put last year's lights in a wad in the bottom of a box and some more ornaments because you always break a few and craft supplies for all the things you say you're going to make but never have time to do and all the decorations and stuff you threw away last year because you left it up until Valentine's Day and decided to just throw it out because you didn't want to pack it all and all that extra gas from all that running around you're doing and you can easily add another $300-$500. If you end up going to a shrink because you drove yourself fucking nuts trying to get all this done, then you're well into tens of thousands of dollars for one, damn day.

Yes, I did go shopping this weekend.

I try to save money. I try to cut corners and use coupons and buy things on sale. But then my SIL (the one with four kids) calls and assigns the gifts she expects for her kids because she's buying your kids this and this and all those things never, ever, in a million fucking years go on sale. And rather than tell her you already had some (cheaper) ideas and you don't want to explain yourself, you say you'll let her know what you're getting because it's just easier that way and because you feel guilty for not spending as much on each of her kids as she does on each of yours and it's not the kids' fault they have three other siblings and you feel all cheap and mean and grinchy and tired. Rather than be the bad guy that the whole family talks about in whispers and phone calls behind your back because they think you have money, you spend the money you don't have and pray to God that John's bonus is extra-super big this year because you also have to get a major tune-up on your one and only car and new tires and annual check-ups for both your cats and a deposit for a vacation you're already committed to going on.

I tried the honest approach last year. My mom and dad didn't get gifts, and I asked them not to buy any for John and me. You guessed it. They did anyway. And even though I know that was their decision, and I can't feel responsible or guilty for that, I do. Of all the people I want to give to, my parents are high up on the list, but I had to slight them because these families are too damn big. And I did cut corners last year, and I got no understanding whatsoever, and I did get talked about behind my back, and no, I can't deal with it. It just seems easier to deal with the debt. And I resent that.

John makes a lot of money, and he made the mistake of telling his family how much money that was when he got the job and moved here. What they didn't know is we were already living beyond our means before he got that jaw-dropping raise, and once we factored in a house (we didn't even pay rent before) and a move and new furniture, we really weren't making any more money. In fact, we finally gave in and went to credit counseling after coming very close to being sued for not paying a bill. His family doesn't know that. They still think we have money, and just like most people think we should have never gotten to this point in the first place, I'm sure they would too.

We know we fucked up. We spent way too much money that wasn't even ours, and we're paying for it. We don't expect any favors or loans. We eat our cheap dinners and stay in a lot and go without because we didn't go without when we should have been doing it. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for us. What I do want is for everyone to stop thinking that because John makes X amount of dollars, we should buy fancy gifts and pay for people's dinners and go out all the time. We can't, because we were stupid. When we are finally in a position to do all those things, I will gladly do them. I just hate the fact that people can think I'm cheap when I'm not cheap by nature but by necessity.

So as usual, this is all about me worrying what other people think. Is that always so bad? When it's a matter of hurting feelings or being misjudged? Or am I just making more excuses? In some ways, I feel completely justified in getting upset about this, and in other ways, I feel like a cheap asshole. I hate it when I have a choice between feeling like shit or feeling like crap.