Feeling the Years

I hope I age gracefully. I also hope I am not so idealistic about aging that I am suddenly hit with the realization I'm not young anymore and have a mid- (or any-other-age) life crisis. My mother-in-law had a crisis at only 30 years old. The family still talks about how sullen she was at that time. For her, you became old when "twenty" no longer prefixed your age.

For me, 30 passed by happily. I was carded for the first time in years the very day before my birthday (and was carded again the next year at 31). I was on vacation in the Outer Banks. J bought me jewelry for the first time since my wedding ring. I didn't feel old or unhappy. I felt like I finally knew a little something about life while I still had enough youth to do something with it.

Every phase of life has its positives and negatives, but it seems some ages are more imbalanced than others. When you're young, you don't have appreciation. When you're old, you have lots of knowledge but lack physically. You can control your level of ability in all areas of aging to a point, but some things will inevitably fail. Hair greys (or falls out). Breasts sag. Wrinkles appear. Memory weakens. No matter how forgiving your genetics might be or how good your cosmetic surgeon is, you will look older. It might not happen as quickly as your neighbor, but it will happen.

Somewhere along the line, your thinking starts aging too. It might be that getting drunk every weekend doesn't seem like so much fun anymore, or you don't buy that really cute outfit because you choose to pay the electric bill. Experience turns into wisdom. Responsibility takes precedence over fun. Just like some people don't look old as quickly as others, some don't act old as quickly or wizen as readily.

As much as I hate the fact my body is showing signs of wear and tear, and I have two varicose veins on my legs instead of just one, and some wrinkles don't go away when I relax anymore, I feel like I can deal with it. I accept the physical aging process. That doesn't mean I'm going to let it have its way with me. I will still use creams, work on eating better and work out more. I think I will dye my hair until the day I die, never knowing how many grey hairs I really have. I'm not trying to fool anybody. I really believe it's a matter of personal preference in my appearance. I'm not denying my age.

Still, I miss the days when people used to guess my age younger than it was and when I got carded for cigarettes at the age of 23. No one is surprised anymore when I tell how old I am. The school staff doesn't tell me I don't look old enough to have a ten-year-old like they did when he was five or even seven. I never get carded for anything except that one time a year when I go buy liquor on our beach vacation. I am called ma'am on a regular basis when I go to stores. And I wonder how it all caught up with me so suddenly. Do I look my age?� act it?� or both?

Last night, while sitting in a bar that would fit all definitions of the term meat market, I realized, for the very first time, I felt old. It was too smoky. The music was too loud. It was too crowded. Everyone was trying to pick up everyone else. Women, who didn't, to me, even look old enough to be there, were dressed in clothing I would be embarrassed to wear. People were dancing too suggestively. I was tired, and I wanted to go home. Probably the worst of all things that made me feel old was I didn't get a second look (or even a longer than usual first) from one guy in there. Not that it would have made me feel any more pleased with everything else at the time, but it would have made me feel like I could fit in if I wanted to. As it was, I just felt like a rusty, old Buick in a lot full of shiny, new Infinitis.

Maybe one day, I'll get even wiser and be able to put that feeling in perspective. For now, I worry I'm headed for the big breakdown about my age I never thought I'd have. People always say it's all how you think, and that's very true. I always thought of it in a positive way, that as long as I felt young, I had nothing to worry about. It wasn't until I was surrounded by youth and felt out of place that I realized thinking I was young wasn't going to cut it. And I highly doubt I have the degree of coolness needed to fit into that situation regardless of my age. I may be older in years, but in confidence, I'm still a child.

People that talked about how old they are always annoyed me. It's not that I do think I'm old now, but I do feel older. Up until now, the aging process has been a pretty smooth ride for me. I just hit a bump. I feel a phase is passing, and that's probably what people's crises are all about. You find you don't fit into a certain age group anymore, and maybe you mourn it a bit. I think that's what I'm doing, but I'm not going to dwell on it. Happily, aging has nothing to do with the fact there is always more to explore.