What If

My aunt has breast cancer. When she went in for her biopsy, I thought it would turn out to be nothing. I thought it would be the same kind of fibrous lump that my mom had. But it wasn't. It's cancer, and now they just have to figure out if it's invasive or pre-invasive.

This is my favorite aunt. She's the one I remember painting my nails when I was very little. She was always lots of fun, and I wanted to be just like her. She is the kind of person that remembers your birthday and sends little gifts just because she thought about you. It's very hard for me to know she's going through this, though she's the kind of person that will do very well. Still, I wish it wasn't her.

Then there's the side of me that worries. My great aunt on my mom's side died from breast cancer. Will I be the second generation to deal with the death of my aunt from this? It's blowing everything out of proportion, but I think about it nonetheless. I think about the genetics of this too and what effect it has on me and my daughter. Now my own daughter has breast cancer on both sides of the family. My mother-in-law had an aggressive form of it, and she's doing well more than ten years later. That's a good sign, but I would rather the cause not be there at all.

I'm not going to say it's not fair my aunt got breast cancer. It's not fair that anyone gets breast cancer. No one deserves it as far as I'm concerned. If anything isn't fair, it's that cancer exists at all, that any diseases exist, that our bodies can betray us like that. It's not always so simple as taking care of yourself, eating right, and exercising. Sometimes we just self-destruct. That's what isn't fair, that no matter what you do, something like this can happen. Sometimes I wish we were all perfect.

Obviously we aren't, and that's why we have to do our best to take care of ourselves. You have to do the best you can with what you have. Unfortunately, I haven't been so well at doing that.

Training for the race is teaching me a lot of things, especially about myself and my own will. I finally ran yesterday after taking almost a week off of exercise. I don't know why I did it. I wasn't feeling right, and sleeping was much more appealing than running or even biking. I'm feeling better now, and I did run yesterday with my partner. I ran the most at one time that I've run in more than ten years. I went three miles. It doesn't sound like a lot, and it's not a lot when I could be running up to ten miles in the race, but it is an accomplishment. It did a lot for me. I felt a lot better about what I'm doing and how I'm progressing. I realized I really am getting better. I didn't think I was, but that proved I am. It revitalized my commitment once again.

Today is just strength training, but I think I'm going to add a half hour of Tae-bo since I missed so much earlier in the week. I need to get back on my bike again too, but that will be for tomorrow along with another run. I'm even excited about continuing my training while on "vacation" in Nebraska and Colorado. I'm still waiting on our money though. I need a bike rack, and I can't be buying that with the thirty-one cents we have.

Anyway, it's good to leave off on a positive note. I was feeling really down and crying a lot. I feel a lot better now and much more hopeful. Tonight I'm going to see John's band, so that should help lighten me up even more. Life might not be fair, but it isn't all bad either.