Under the Gun

As usual, I put off getting ready to leave, and now I'm doing tons of laundry the very day before I leave. In fact, I'm doing all the laundry, because I didn't do a lick of it all week. I suck. I just got the suitcases upstairs today. I haven't gotten anything together or organized or packed or anything. I really suck. Strangely, I'm not terribly stressed either.

Since I didn't seem to have enough to do, I decided to go look at a new digital camera today. I ended up buying a new digital camera today. (Not only do I suck, I'm a sucker too.) It's not a huge step up from what I have, but it takes pictures a heckuva lot faster, and that is reason enough to have bought it. USB is a pretty big reason too. I'm very pleased with it already, and I just messed with it a little bit around the house. It's not like there's lots of things of which to take pictures around here.

I did get shots of the one hydrangea blossom on my plants. There are lots getting ready to bloom, but they aren't open yet. I'm sure they will be going strong while I'm gone. I just hope they don't all die when John forgets to water them. I'm leaving instructions for him, but between his forgetfulness and laziness, they might not survive. I think I'll send him daily emails reminding him what to do. That way he can't lose a list, and he has no excuse.

My one rose bush has five buds on it right now. All these stupid plants are going to bloom while I'm away. The lilies are all full of blooms too. I've seen only two of them. It makes me sick. Don't they know who takes care of them and loves them?

I hope Hammy realizes that too while he stays with his dad in Nebraska. I'm really nervous about that whole situation. He'll be staying two weeks after I leave and come back when my parents visit us here but will go back again for another week when they leave. My ex and his family will bring him back and visit after that. I've never had Ham away from me for so long, so I'm going to miss him something fierce. I want him to miss me too, but I think he'll be having too much fun to do so.

The whole family comparison bothers me too. My ex's wife is much more the perfect housewife than I am, even dealing with her diseases that give her every excuse in the world to slack. I'm overcome with insecurity, and I fear Hammy not wanting to come home. I wanted him to stay longer than a week like previous years, because his time is always a whirlwind of fun and games. They have so little time with him that they live it up when they do, and he gets the impression that life is always like that for them. Even with more normalcy, there will still be a lot more excitement than if he were there full time, and he will also have the simple feelings of enjoying his time with them. It makes it very hard for him to come home, and I am beyond anxious about it.

I want him to be homesick and not want to go back out there after he gets home, but I don't think that's going to happen. I am going to be a responsible adult. He won't see any of this in me, but I still feel it. I understand he's going to have intense feelings for his other family, because he doesn't get to see them all the time, but I'm still hurt by it. I know it doesn't mean he loves them more than me. It's just jealousy and insecurity having their ugly effect on me.

It's possible Booie might stay with my mom when I come back home, but I'm not sure yet. That would mean both kids are away for their birthdays, and I don't know if I can handle that. The last time we did that a couple of years ago; it was great for John and me. We got to go out and just be a couple. We didn't have to find sitters or take the kids with us. The only time in our relationship we have experienced it is when the kids have been away like that. We really have a good time. Still, I hate to miss both birthdays just because we wanted to have time away from them. Those are their days after all. I'm already going to be missing Hammy on his birthday, a first since he was born; I don't know if I can do two at the same time. That decision probably won't be made until right before I come back home.

I think all these fears are what kept me from getting ready like I should. I'm a slave to my emotions. John and I have had three disputes in the past three days, because I'm so sensitive. The good thing is I recognize this and told him so. He has been pretty understanding. He should be. He gets to be a bachelor for two weeks. He even has a car this time, unlike previous years. We rented one this time, because he has so much stuff to do while I'm gone.

You would think that with all this purchasing going on we got our money back, but we didn't. We're still waiting on the cashier's check the bank said they sent out Wednesday. Hopefully it will get here Monday. Until then, we are living off the expense account and some loaned money. John always said he had a horseshoe up his ass. I'm starting to believe it.

There goes the dryer buzzer, so it's back to folding and packing for me. Tomorrow should be a hectic and stressful day. I have to finish up the packing, and then I get to go have my annual GYN exam before I go. What a fun way to start a trip!