I have a decision to make. We got a letter in the mail from the Neurology department of Children's Hospital, asking us to call about a study being done on children under the umbrella of disorders that includes Booie's. I figured I'd call and find out what's involved, and if they even want Booie to participate.
Naturally, I've avoided that call. I don't really know why I'm so afraid. It's not like she is going to get sick again from a phone call or even from a few tests if we did decide to put her in the study. I do want to help the doctors, so other children won't have to go almost two weeks before being diagnosed and treated properly. But my fear is outweighing that. I just don't like being reminded.
One of my friends left me an email message quite a while ago asking if I would like to help The Caring Place in town where they help children and families deal with the loss of a loved one. It's something I would normally love doing, but the first thing I thought when she asked was how I almost lost Booie. Could I really deal with grieving families? I imagined myself crying alongside them, later to be asked by the staff not to come back. I never responsed to that email. I'm such a schmuck. I must have gained some mastery of avoidance from John.
In my head, I know what to do. It all makes sense. But I can't seem to control the fear that subconsciously erases my control and memory, so I "forget" to call or respond or think. I know what I need to do is make the call, find out what's involved in the study, and go from there. Face my fear, right? Get past the irrational feeling that visiting those places will bring back the threat and pain we lived.
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One Year Ago Today:
