If any real train derailed as many times as I do in my life, it would be run right into the junkyard. But I'm not going to groan about the same old things. At least, that's the intention. I'm working this new, more positive attitude. But not so much tonight. Only because I have to get up early and haul Hamalot to school. He has to be there early, so I have to sleep-drive him. I didn't set up the coffee-maker, but I did wash all the necessary parts. I figure I can manage to fumble some beans in there in the morning, so I can have some brew before I go. And that should help keep me awake for another lovely Spring day before rain and cold return just in time for the weekend.

I wrote way more than intended. Who needs sleep anyway, right? I'll just hold off bragging about my two hours of exercise plus weights until tomorrow. I've been an exercise freak! But it's time to calm down and be a sleep freak. or a sleep non-freak. Or something.

8:55 a.m. - Overnight Beating

Not only am I tired, but I'm achy. I could so crawl in bed until the treadmill guy comes, but I'm not. I've made it htis far. I'll keep trying to remember how easy it will be to go to sleep tonight.

As much as I don't want to, I'll get some work done today. The past couple days, I've been cleaning one cabinet or drawer in the kitchen and one thing in the living room. I ended up doing more in the living room yesterday, so it's nearly done. I'd like to get the windows clean, since it's going to be nice again today.

10:34 a.m. - Small Spurts

I thought I was going to have to take a nap. Sitting here writing was too relaxing, especially when I'm so sleep-deprived today. Instead, I went and refilled my coffee cup and washed the living room and dining room windows, which revived me. We'll see how long that lasts now that I'm sitting again. There might be a bunch of short entries today. So far, so good though.

I'm trying to decide if I'm going to get on the treadmill, before or after the repairman comes. He's due at 1:30, so if I'm going to do it before, I better get on there soon. That would probably be best, so I'm not doing it when I shoudl be making dinner or when John is home. So I guess that's decided. I'll go at 11.

The repairman is coming to fix a wire tha was nicked. I guess it came that way, and the guys who put it together noticed it and made the order to fix it. Or maybe they niced it, but it doesn't matter, because they made sure it's getting fixed. There hasn't been any problem, but something could mess up later. I'm just happy it worked. It's been a huge help for me. It's probably a good idea to use it prior to him coming just in case something gets messed up too. Unlikely, but it's another reason for me to get moving.

It's so nice to have fresh air in the house again. I wish this weather would just stick around through May.

What is nice about the impending rain and cold is I have to work tomorrow for the first day of my near three week stint. It sucks to go in when it's nice. It's bound to happen, but at least I won't have one more reason to regret agreeing to do this, particularly the first day.

It's that time. I hope I do well, being so tired.

12:57 p.m. - Creating a Calorie Deficit

So I did my exercise, then I ate lunch and had a snack of Snickers egg and milk all at once. I already had a marshmallow bunny and a chocolate bunny this morning. Why do I do such stupid things to myself? I do this exercise, and then I go make up for it and then some. It's not like I eat these things because I exercise. I ate the same way before I was exercising. So I guess the real questions is why am I doing this, period?

This time, I'm having a hard time pinpointing any cause. I'm not stressed. I feel pretty happy, really. I had a great workout. It's a beautiful day. I'm not dead tired anymore. Maybe it's work coming. Maybe it's the treadmill guy coming. Maybe it's my ongoing struggle with John. Maybe it's my ever-low self-esteem. Habit? An instinctual drive? Sight trigger? Laziness? Programming? It's seems there are a million things it could be, and it's probably a combo of a few.

Another thought on myself:

• Why do I even bother? Nobody seems to notice or care

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One Year Ago Today: