I give up on that crappy pen.
Looks like I'll be working tomorrow too. My boss asked if I could come help in the clinic since they have a ton of patients and two people are off. I could have done the office work I've been doing and come in anyway. Now I'll do that Thursday. Maybe Friday too. I can definitely use the money right now.
Another payday went by and John didn't show me how to do the bills. I don't know when or even if he did them. He reminded me we were going to do it too. Never happened. I'm sure he will say it's because we were busy, but if he managed to do it himself anyway, that reasoning won't hold water. I was home when he was and never did anything that would have inhibited my participation. I will not be happy if he did it without me, but I won't be happy if it didn't get done either. He said he would tell me when he was going to do it, but it appears I'm going to have to moniter him myself. The whole situation sucks and makes me angry. I don't feel I should have to watch him to get this done. I don't like that I'm unhappy no matter if he did or didn't take care of it. It's really a rotten position for me, and I'm angry he put me in it. I trusted him to do what he said, and I also trust him to handle the bills as they should be (on payday). So I'm stuck. No wonder I'm unhappy all the time.
Our money sucks anyway, so this enhances a preexisting stressor. We're behind on some things, like my wisdom tooth removal, last August I think it was. We're swamped with debt, even after having gone through credit counseling. We aren't going to be able to take a vacation, and I might not even be able to go back to Nebraska this year either. My X is going to have to pay to get Hammy out there no matter what, but that's for more reasons than we can't afford it. I can't even buy things like vacuum cleaner bags without worrying about having enough money for groceries. It's ridiculous that we have to forego clean carpets to eat. And even though I've been working a lot more lately, that doesn't seem to make any difference at all. Things are out of control, and I seem to be making sacrifices for naught. I buy fewer books. We eat out less (Or would that be fewer too? I never know.). I don't drive as much. I've waited for two months now to buy the dumbbells I really need. Until recently, I was even eating a lot less too. It just feels like I'm doing all the work and reaping no reward.
I know John is spending less too, but I don't feel he's making the same effort as I am. He spent as much as I did at the bookstore last time, but his purchase has lain untouched on the dining room table. Mine were read, and I have read two things since then and a few magazines too, just because I didn't want to spend anymore. I've been waiting and waiting to buy weights, but he wants to buy a new motherboard for his rarely-used downstairs computer because of a hardward conflict. He got the board that's in there not all that long ago. He may be able to do some recording for a band that will pay him, but that's not for sure, and I can't justify the expense for a possibility. He still eats lunch out every day. He plays Magic Online and has bought cards for that. My only purchases have been food and coffee.
All our animals need check-ups. Kaya is about two months overdue. Bella is a year and a half overdue, and Asia and Biddy are over two years since their last visits. The truck and car need inspected. THe truck was due in April along with its expired registration. The care will be overdue for inspection tomorrow, and its registration is due. So I'll be driving to and from work illegally. So glad I bought all those new tires to pass inspection on my credit card, not like I wouldn't have had to do that anyway, I know. I'm due for a dental check-up but don't want to go because we owe them over $500 for the aforementioned extraction. I'm finally going to the dentist like I should, and now I can't. Even the important stuff is falling by the wayside now.
11:38 p.m. - What If You Don't Have a Dream?
I'm getting sick of shows, books, people, everything that's telling me, "I have to find what moves me." I've tried that. Problem is, nothing moves me for very long. I was changing dreams since I was in the third grade. I've wanted to be a writer, a singer, a poet, a lawyer, a fashion merchandiser (whatever the fuck that is; I didn't even know then), and interior designer, an architect, a personal trainer, a volleyball player, an activist, a Peace Corps volunteer, a flight attendant (or stewardess as it was then), a doctor, a physical therapis, a soapmaker, a mom, a wife, a personal organizer, a writer again, and again, and a few other things again, a dancer, an astronomer, and probably a million other things I don't remember. A quilter, a crafter, a teacher. I've wanted those too. But I'll quit listing them now. Let's just accept that I've wanted to be lots of things. I settled on some a little longer than others, but I never just settled.
Meanwhile, I've done many things, few of which brought me any satisfaction. I certainly haven't found anything that drives me th way I think those people on TV are driven. The only thing I love to do is be a mom. But I do feel I need more. No matter how many times I "figure out" what I want to do, I always lose interest. Sometimes I am discouraged too, which plagues me all too often. I really question if I am a winner, if there is something out there for me, or if I'm just a working stiff--one of the cogs in the machine.
I also question if my loss of faith has something to do with my lack of desire to accomplish something in life. Is it as Nietzsche said, and humans need to believe there's more to life than our years of animation? I do remember being a lot happier when I felt closer to God. Now, I'm not so sure we aren't just animals that are unfortunate enough to know we die, so we created religion to cope. And if I go back to religion just to hang onto false hope to make life worth living, am I not a gigantic faker? It's like free therapy. Until I feel guilty for not tithing, which would be exactly when that damn plate comes around.
Then there is my hatred of church now. I hate the stupid, new hymns, people raising their hands, big screens with sunset pictures behind the words to the music, the cheesy band, the white-people clapping, the showy baptisms, the guilt, being told I'm fucking worthless but that it's OK if I just fall into their crisp clean lines they like to call Jesus. And then there's what the Christian church seems to represent now. There is no room for anything but the religious right's narrow view of good. They get to pick what good is, and if anyone cries foul, they scream persecution over their Bible-beating channels and more than half of Congress. They get to interpret the Bible. They get to decide what religion is right for me and everyone eles. They send their fluffy, morality-riddled, God-endorsed spam all over the damn Internet. They criticize and hate and beg and judge, trying to guilt and strongarm everyone into submission. Kind of like the Crusades. Or the Inquisition. The only reason End of Days might be near is because it appears Christian evangelism just gets bloodier each go-round.
I know there are plenty of perfectly nice Christians, but they are quiet and unassuming as opposed to the squeaky-sheel Christians that plaster televeision. And I've had bad experiences in my own family and continue to endure comments, emails, and the occasional miserable church visit in order to keep the peace. I don't foist my beliefs on them, not just becuase I don't want to bring down a reign of holy terror on myself and my kids, but because I believe they are entitled to their own beliefs without guilt or fear. I realize my perspective my be skewed by the close proximity to serious Bible-thumping and my internalized anger. I just think it's important to make clear what an extreme negative impact fanatical Christianity has had on me. And I wish those moderate, forgiving, loving Christians would speak up more and tell the loudmouth, don't-really-know-it-alls to shut the fuck up. Or a pleasant, "I can speak for myself," is OK too.
My big point... it's my right to reject Christianity or any other religion, and burn in hell for all eternity if I want. The way I see it, if heaven and hell exist, the real whack-jobs will be split pretty evenly.
Whoa, totally went off on a rant and lost my point. I guess it's pretty clear why I've lost faith though. Don't know if there's any faith for me to gain back really. So I guess the real point is, how do you make life have meaning without religion?
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One Year Ago Today:
