Left ovary here. Not your left. Her left. Yeah, that's right. I'm the dominant ovary. How do I know that? Well, I'm bigger. I'm almost twice as big as a normal ovary. You think penises have egos? You just haven't met an oversized ovary! I'll show you an ego! Right after I quit hurting.

Let me tell ya, I really hurt. Like it's not hard enough to live up to my size, I have to have all these moochin' cysts. There's like a busload of them, and they get all over me and suck the life out of me and get all fat. They start off all innocent, like they want to be friends. A whole slew of them decided to pay me a visit one day, and I thought it was ok. I needed the company. Right ovary won't talk to me, because she's envious of my greatness. So I said it would be ok for those little cysts to stay a while. I heard right ovary snicker, but I figured it was just one of those jealous things. I get all the attention.

So these cysts hitch on, and I start asking them questions, like where they are from� you know, conversation. And they just blow me off. Here I am giving them a place to stay, and they are immediate ingrates. I wasn't going to put up with that shit, so I tell them to get the hell out. It was like listening to a chorus of chipmunks chattering and laughing, and they didn't even bother to say, "No way," or anything. They just go on doing whatever it is cysts do, and they don't leave.

I figure if I just ignore them for a while, they will get bored and leave, so I get cozy and take a nap. It's what I do most of the time anyway unless it's time to go to work. I only work once a month for a few days. It's a pretty cushy life. So I take my nap and wake up, and those little boogers are still there. I get pissed and yell at them, and they act like I'm not even there. Then right ovary finally breaks the silence and tells me those things don't leave, so I might as well get used to them. I ask her why she didn't warn me, and she says it's my own damn fault for not paying attention when the same thing happened to left kidney years ago. Like I'm supposed to remember that! Kidneys and ovaries don't have much to do with each other anyway, so I didn't see any reason to get into her business. I was being polite for God's sake.

I figure I should talk to left kidney and see what this is all about. Left kidney gave me a big sigh and gets all snippy about how I never pay any attention to her either. Like we share more than a body cavity or something. It's not like uterus. I have a relationship with her. What do I have in common with a kidney? Sheesh.

Anyway, left kidney finally gives it up and tells me her cyst isn't so bad. He gave her trouble a few years ago, but once he settled in, and they got a routine going, it's been fine. I figure it can't be all that bad, except that I have quite a few of these guys on me, and none of them really seem to care about me.

Time goes by, and there really isn't any trouble between me and the cysts until I realize some of them have grown a bit. But that really wasn't a problem either, as long as I had my space. Until one day, I was awakened from one of my many naps by this little jab. I yelled at the cysts, asking them who did it, and they just continued to ignore me. Here it was, me letting them move in for months, and they don't breathe a word once they hitch on. Right ovary told me it served me right for being such a snob myself. Shows what kind of organ she is, giving me shit when I'm in pain and under this massive burden.

I didn't know what massive was. These things grew and started jabbing me more and more often. Some days I would just wail, until finally bloodstream would bring me a little cocktail to settle me down. Bloodstream is good like that. Brain got sick of hearing me whine all the time and took us to the doctor who told us what I already knew. I was big, and I had cysts. Brain needed to be told though. Doctor told us to try a different cocktail to keep those pesky cysts under control.

The cocktail worked most of the time, but lately, brain seems to think we don't need to rely on drugs anymore and quit sending me the goods. Sure enough, those little rascals have been acting up again, and I ache almost every single day from those assholes. I started getting daily cocktails again, but not the right kind. They wear off.

To make matters worse, I heard this rumor that eyes saw a story about an ovary that got a cyst so big it weighed something like a hundred pounds. All the organs were in a serious uproar over this. They are fine as long as it's just me suffering, but if these things get in their way, they have a fit. And they all blame me, because I'm the one who let the cysts stay. So now I hurt, and nobody likes me. Nobody really liked me much before because they were all jealous of my stature, but this is much worse.

I'm hoping I can muster up enough charm to get brain to start dosing up again. She argues with me about how bloodstream doesn't just party with me but with all the organs, and the other organs don't need that stuff. Right ovary is on my side though, because she says that cocktail helps her too, and so is skin, and even uterus. Brain is all high and mighty and thinks she knows what's best for us, but I'm in pain here! I hope we can talk her into it. I might just have to move out.