Someone finally did it. There is now a canned product on the market called Whoop Ass. It's an energy drink that claims to "revitalize attitude & restore faith in mankind." Well, I think I need me some of that! I do need an attitude adjustment, and anything that might make me stop hating people could be very good indeed.

I have visions of the little guy on the can popping out and pummeling me until I promise to be nice. He's already threatening with his little fist aimed at you. I don't think I'm ready to be drinking this stuff at this time of day. Ironically, I have a yoga tape playing in the background. Yoga and Whoop Ass together.

Being a product of the Jones Soda Company, they have a witty blurb on the side of the can. It tells me there is taurine, royal jelly and inositol in this drink. Taurine?! Isn't that something my cats need? Will I start meowing after I drink it? I've always wanted a tail like a cat, but not without a warning first. My attitude would definitely be adjusted if I started getting fur, but I don't think it would be for the better. And what the hell is royal jelly? How did it attain royal status? Is that why this 8.4-ounce can costs two bucks? And I don't think I even want to know what inositol is. I'll remain blissfully ignorant on that one.

As if those lovely additives aren't enough, the ingredients list also tells me there is guarana and ginseng extracts in this drink as well. I'm sure all these things come in microscopic amounts though, because the first two things on the list are carbonated water and high fructose corn syrup/sugar. So I'll be buzzing on sugar while I'm getting 310% thiamin, 310% riboflavin, 100% niacin and 260% vitamin B6. I thought too much vitamin B6 was a bad thing. That's how this shit must whoop your ass. It gives you nervous fits from B6 overdose. Sneaky.

The drink does give you a warning. "Not recommended for people who shouldn't drink it (you know who you are)." Well. I'm a bit confused about who I am, so it must be perfect for me.

I have to be honest. This drink amuses me. It's about time someone came out with a real can of whoop ass. I'll be keeping the can if it doesn't whoop me into oblivion after I drink it. I might have to get another one and give one to each of my kids to chase away the bad dreams at night. I might even carry the can around as a gag for a while. This isn't just a can that pretends to be whoop ass. It is Whoop Ass!