I can feel the obsession welling up inside me. All microwave marshmallowy. Romanticizing the past. Selective memory. The ideal consumes me. I dream and fantasize and wish. Every moment of choice spent thinking. Every moment of responsibility spent waiting. Not even a struggle or personal conflict. There doesn't have to be. There are no mistakes in my dreams.
This seeps into my reality, creating questions. I don't know, I answer. I don't know. All the questions. I don't know. I am adrift. I am alone.
Freedom brings views of parts I shut down. Knowing brings fulfillment. Knowing brings sadness. Knowing brings new questions that are unknown. Questions need answered. Decisions need made. The heart needs reinforced. So little left. So much given out. So little given back. So much to lose.
I want to burrow, not to run away. I want to tunnel into the deep, dark safety of nothingness. Blankness soothes me. I want time to heal. I just want to stop hurting. I want to stop thinking someone else can make it stop for me. No one is there. Gone.
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One Year Ago Today: