I think I should be writing about my life, but when my life consists of sleeping in, sitting on the couch, napping, watching TV and arguing with my husband, it just doesn't seem that exciting; not worth talking about anyway.

I'm not a funny person. I'm not a fun person. I'm one of those people that is so obsessed with themselves that nobody wants to be around. I'm best when I'm talking about myself, and that gets really boring for others. That's all I really talk about here, but it is a journal. What else do you talk about but yourself? See what I mean?

I really need to get a hobby. My whole reason for not having a hobby is because I start so many hobbies and then they sit unfinished in my basement. I also have about a million things that need done, and I always think I shouldn't have a hobby because I have so many other things to do. I don't deserve a hobby as long as my house looks like I'm on crack.

All of this talk is a way of avoiding what I really want to talk about. J. He and I have talked a lot this weekend; not as much as we have before, but a lot. I don't think he understands what I've been trying to say all weekend, but then again, that's kind of what the conversations have been about. It's about him not understanding me, not connecting with me, not feeding me. That might be a bit of a selfish thing, but it is something I need. It's something I don't like thinking about myself. It seems to be something I should think about with him.

But he doesn't understand. I equate my problem like having to explain color to a person that's never seen before. I don't like to say he's not that deep. I don't think that's it at all. He thinks we do have that bond though, and maybe for him we do. For me, we don't. And I know because I've had it. He obviously has not.

It's taking a lot of time, but I'm slowly getting to the point where I will be able to live with that. That's what I'm working on now. First, it seems I have to get over mourning the loss of a dream. I wanted my relationship with him to be like that. Accepting that it's not is hard. I know many people would criticize me on my decision, tell me I'm giving up. Well, I am giving up but only on a part. You have to know when your efforts are in vain. I could kill myself working toward something that's never going to be there. He even sees that. He even said that to me. I said I'm slowly killing myself. When he sees it, it's bad. I need to do something about that, and this is what I know. There might be other solutions, but I don't know them. I think sometimes you have to make a decision between a bad choice and a worse one. There aren't always good solutions to everything. This is the best I can do.

Well, he's home. I better end this here and spend time with him. He will want to talk about what he did. That's what we have left, and I want to be there for that.