Dream a Little Dream

I want to get through the entire Simple Abundance book this year, so I'm starting at the beginning, which is today!

Today I'm supposed to write my dreams, and already this book brings me pain. For I have buried my dreams, so I don't have to see how far away they are. If I'm going to use the book, then I must do the work. It's time to dig out some dreams.

Like a squirrel burying nuts, I have lost many and failed to look for more. I no longer allowed myself dreams since I would only bury them like the others.

The thing about burying nuts is that some sprout and grow. They don't look quite like they did, so it didn't dawn on me what they were. Some dreams are still alive and not lost or decayed. My dreams didn't leave me. They waited and adapted.

As in true nature, some trees are great for climbing, some bear fruit, others are beautiful to see, while a few grow wild and twisted. Dreams can be useful, fun, nourishing, pretty, and unrealistic. Mine have been left unattended, and it's time I pruned and cared for them, at least acknowledge I have them.

It's not so easy to describe a forest tree by tree, even though I have less than a forest's worth of dreams. It's awkward to start with one, but I guess I can tell of the largest.

I think it's been all too apparent I have always longed for a loving and healthy marriage. I never thought to shape my life around this one dream, but it has happened. There are several stumps of various sizes to prove this dream was planted many times. I just always thought I should be married. And I was. Twice. Neither were what I dreams, with the first tunring dark and ugly. I still dream I will have a fulfilling marriage though. It often pains me, because reality is too far away, but I dream it nonetheless.

I dream of being a great mom too. Not a fun mom or a cool mom, but a great mom. Not that they are mutually exclusive, just that they are different. I want to guide my kids to the best lives I can. I want to help them to learn to create their own happiness, persue the things they desire, and have the confidence to do those things. I want them to be more than me, have more than me, and not necessarily in terms of material success. I'm afraid my failure with myself has already been their lesson, but I dream for better.

Another obvious dream is fitness. This one should be easy, because it is solely dependent on one person--me. My emotions stunt any growth, so fitness remains but a dream to me. I still dream of running, racing, climbing, biking, eating properly, and looking great. If I let it go, it will never have a chance of being true.

Career and school dreams are still sketchy despite choosing a field. I'm so unsure of myself yet that I dream very little about what I will be and do. I do want to get a degree, and I want to do something that makes me feel successful and competent again. I often feel stupid for waiting until I'm 33 to be thinking about this like a high school graduate, but I have to start somewhere.

I still have a sputtering dream of writing more than a journal and an unfinished novel. I love words and stories. I love building them. It's been my one constant dream since elementary school, yet I question and berate myself in writing more than anything. I've quite simply told myself I'm not good enough. Somehow this dream stays alive and keeps pining at me despite such attempts to stamp it out. Is it just that everyone is born with an urge to write?

I have lots of silly little dreams too. I want to be in an Eco-Challenge or other big adventure race. I want to be a photographer, interior designer, quilter. I want a beautiful home. I want our debt gone. I want to learn how to Tango. I want to travel. I could go on and on with the little dreams, and maybe one day I will. For now it's enough to know I still have them.

---------------------------------------------