I applied for a part-time job a couple weeks ago. It has quite good hours for me, so that I will still be able to be here when the kids are out of school and do my usual transportation services. The job called today to set up an interview. I let the voice mail pick up. I haven't called back yet. Is this a sign I'm lazy?

I haven't been sleeping well at night again, and until today, I was getting up in the morning and not taking a nap. I was so pooped this morning that I could barely keep my eyes open to shove the kids out the door for school. Now I feel like a slug, and I don't want to do anything. I haven't even opened the blinds in the house, making it feel like a cave. Bears live in caves. They also nap throughout the winter. That could mean I'm a vampiric bear, considering how much I prefer night-time, like to nap through winter, and have the skin temperature of a stone.

Despite all these things, I have to make that phone call. In the long run, I'm sure it's best for me. Laziness rarely helps anyone, and fear has held me back far too long. This job is through the university, so I would get some discount on tuition too. The only problem would be managing when to get classes in, but at this point, I should be able to take night and weekend ones.

John should be happy if I get a job. Not only will it ease the financial burden on him, but I always suspected he wanted me to work. He was here yesterday after our counseling session, and he was looking through the classifieds for me, so I know he would like me working now. I wouldn't get a job just to make him happy though. If I'm going back to school, I have to manage a way to do that, because our current situation won't allow it. It will help for me to get out of the house, work toward my goals, and meet new people. The fact that it should help take pressure off John is a bonus I will gladly accept.

John has been spending a lot more time here, and he admitted it is getting harder for him to leave. He doesn't want to just move back in though without figuring some more things out. I'm ready and always have been, so it's very hard for me. It's hard for me to find balance between being understanding and wanting him back.

All of this is made harder by the fact my grandma doesn't have long to live. I never expected her to outlive either of John's grandmothers, but she isn't going to outlive them by long. Her health has been steadily deteriorating the past year. My mom called Sunday evening to tell me she doesn't think Grandma will make it through the week. Hospice started coming to the house last week. In the past few days, there are times Grandma doesn't even recognize my mom. She's eating very little if at all, sleeping much of the day, and withdrawn when she is awake. She exhibits many signs of someone who is very close to death. We haven't even had a chance to catch our breath from the deaths of both of John's grandmothers, and now we have to face another grandmother's death.

After staying the weekend, John stayed Sunday night with me and took Monday off work. I told him I would like him to come with me when I have to go to Nebraska for the funeral, but I wasn't going to ask and put him on the spot. Immediately, he told me we all would go. While it doesn't take away the pain of losing my grandma, it does provide me comfort to know he will be there and wants to be there.

John definitely wants to work things out between us. I try to focus on that rather than letting the pain of not having him here overwhelm me along with everything else. It's so hard, because I feel so strongly toward him.

Well, this entry went from something fun to a real downer. I'll shut up now.

---------------------------------------------

One Year Ago Today: