I mentioned that John took off his wedding ring and that I thought it was for more than just that it was chafing his finger from weight loss and gain. I asked him about it when he was staying here one weekend, and he admitted it was more than that. When he first told me he took it off, I asked if he would put it back on, and he assured me he would and that it meant nothing that he took it off in the first place. I suspected there was more to it that he admitted, but I took him at his word. Turns out, my suspicions were right again. I don't like being right.
He's been much more positive lately--in word and action. When we talked about the ring again, he said he wants it to mean something when he puts it back on and said that should be a good thing. It is... if he actually puts the ring back on.
I took my ring off too. It wasn't retaliatatory or spiteful. I thought about taking it off so many times but just wasn't ready for it. After not being able to find it, then finally coming across it when things between John and me were so bad, I felt like taking it off would give in to all that is wrong. It was hard to wear mine though, when John wasn't willing to show his commitment to me in the same way. He was the one that gave me the ring and put it on my finger as a representation of our marriage and his commitment, but he was not longer honoring that. When I did find the ring after it went missing, I asked him if I should put it back on, and he answered, "Why not?" There were a million reasons why not, but I wanted to show him it meant something to me. And that's part of why I kept it on so long after he told me he took his off. Wearing it began feeling like another form of denial, so I decided to take it off. I never said anything to him about it. I don't know if he's noticed. I'm not going to make an issue of it. There is no reason to point it out since it's not about getting back at him or proving some point. It's a personal decision for me, not a message to him.
I get these romantic visions of him putting my ring back on, asking me to put his ring back on for him, proposing to me again, waiting for Valentine's Day. But he's not acting like that's going to happen. I don't think I'm being negative in saying that, only acknowledging reality. He still doesn't express himself at all to me if anyone is around. He is still worried about sending wrong messages. He doesn't email or call every day. He seems to like being around when he's here, but he isn't driven to spend time with me or talk to me. It's getting better, and his family has even noticed, but he is still too reserved for me to start hoping for such idealistic notions.
Since we're "dating," it's hard for me not to think of how he was when we first starting going out. He called or emailed every day and usually came over. He was never overly expressive, but he wasn't afraid to put his hand on my leg or show small affections the way he is now. I asked him about it this weekend, and he didn't say anything about sending wrong messages this time, which was encouraging. He wants me to be positive, and I'm trying to do that. At the same time, I know my therapist would tell me to look at the messages he is sending, and they still aren't terribly reassuring. But then, things still aren't certain, so I suppose the messages aren't going to be exactly what I want.
I hold myself back a lot. I want to touch him and hug him, send him emails, and call him, but I resist. I don't want to smother him when he's just starting to come around. I feel very strongly, but it's probably too much for him. So I wait for him to call, email, ask me out, initiate physical contact. I can't exactly say I'm being patient, since it's forced, but I am giving him space like he wants.
I keep telling myself I'm growing through this. I do feel like I'm a better person, and John has noticed the changes. Some good is coming out of this at least.
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One Year Ago Today:
