The past week was hard for me, and I haven't pinpointed the cause. As usual, I'm sure it's a combination of all the things I suspect, but I always look for an easier explanation. After having John over for four nights the previous weekend, it was hard to be without him. Anticipating his grandmother's memorial service on the weekend did not make it easier. Money is a huge issue right now, and we were both anxious to get our W-2s, so we can file our taxes and get a refund to catch up on all the late bills. Talking to bill collectors every day is not fun. Then I get a angry at John for putting this burden upon us, but as he said, hopefully it will all be worth it in the end. I clearly was not feeling very optimistic that week, and my worry was getting the better of me.
By Thursday, I was feeling a bit better. John called to see if we wanted to have dinner at Anthony's, a local pizza joint that is truly fantastic. He had a bit of money, and payday was the next day, so we were going to "splurge." Booie's Youth Group started up again that evening, so she wasn't able to go. I didn't tell her we were meeting John, just that Hammy and I were going for pizza. I felt bad for lying by omission, but he and I both thought it best not to upset her. She is usually the one that does things with the two of us, and Hammy gets left out because he's busy with something. But there was no sense in hurting her when she's still so fragile from all that is going on.
Both kids had birthday parties to attend Friday evening, so John suggested he come over to stay the night again. With the memorial service the next morning, it made more sense. Booie was very happy he was coming over, even though that day she only saw him when she came home and got ready for bed. He and I got Wedding Crashers to watch and were both a little disappointed in it after all the hype. It was funny enough, and it was nice to spend an evening alone together.
It is so very nice not to have to sleep alone. I hate sleeping alone. I always thought I preferred it, but now I know I don't. I'd rather have him there beside me, snoring like a chainsaw (not that he does that) all night long than sleep by myself. I love waking up with him there. I love being able to snuggle up next to him, even though I get hotter than the fires of hell and sweat my ass off at night. I don't know why I get so hot at night anymore. Stupid hormones. Anyway, I love waking up and having him there. I don't know how in the world he manages during the week. He always liked cuddling at night and just having me there. I suppose it says a lot about me that I became so unappealing in so many ways that he didn't even want to sleep with me anymore.
I think about so many of the things I said, how I behaved, the way I treated him. So much of it was written here over the years. Sometimes I would even think all I did was complain, but I was never aware enough, or maybe ready enough, to acknowledge that and do something about it. I have been so immersed in my negativity that I couldn't even see it for what it was. I don't know if that was apparent in what I wrote, or if I was able to spin it well enough to make it look like John was just an ass to me, and I was the innocent victim. I'm not saying everything is my fault, but I am finally willing to admit a much larger role in all that went wrong between us. I haven't been very likable. I feel bad about it, and not just for John but for the kids, myself, and everyone else who had to deal with it. At least I know it now, and because of that, I can do something about it. So I am more hopeful overall, even if last week wasn't so good.
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One Year Ago Today:
